We cracked.

No, I don’t mean we’ve tested already – we’re only 4DPO! That really would be evidence that we’d lost it.

We bought a baby thing. Well, a pair of baby things, to be precise. These:

Yes, I know lots of you guys have cupboards groaning full of cute baby-grows and sample cloth nappies for your future babies, pushchairs and cots that were on a special offer too hard to resist, things people have passed on to you from their kids… But we’ve just never been able to go there. I don’t know why. Jay may feel differently, but for me, it’s never been about feeling like we’ll jinx it, or that I’m worried somewhere deep down that we’ll never have a baby – I know that we will and that buying things for that future kiddo ain’t gonna change a thing. I think it may be because I fear that, oh, that way madness lies. Not that I think you’re all insane, but that I’m worried that if I start shopping for a non-existent baby it will make me insane. I’m scared it’ll be some kind of baby-crack and that before I know it I’ll have one hell of a habit and a room in my house I’m too embarrassed to open the door on in front of anyone but jay, but in which I’ll long to spend hours in.

But something strange overcame us today whilst we were browsing our local fair-trade-interesting knick-knacks store. Our eyes simultaneously fell upon something and for once we didn’t hastily look away and change the subject. We stared in symbiotic longing. I reached out and touched. I picked them up (so cute in the palm of my hand). Then pretty much without discussion, we turned for the till. There was a brief moment of panic when the sales assistant passed comment of the cuteness of said item – please, please don’t ask if we’re expecting, because you might get more than you bargained for – then she wrapped them and we were out into the cold night air with our purchase burning in an eco-friendly brown paper bag.

I managed to make it back to the car before the tears started in earnest. Some weird, churning, swelling and bursting of emotion which is still making me sniffle a little as I write this several hours later. It’s hard to articulate why this has touched me so much. I think, in essence, I am mourning the two naive, hopeful women we once were. I am sad that we have had to travel this road, and sadder still that we have so many good, decent, deserving companions alongside us. None of us should be here. But we are, and I’m eternally grateful that we’re not all fumbling around in the dark on our own, not knowing that there were so many others within a hands-reach.

So, here’s to the light at the end of the tunnel folks; here’s to the journey’s end. For all of us. Soon.

vee xxx