We cracked.

No, I don’t mean we’ve tested already – we’re only 4DPO! That really would be evidence that we’d lost it.

We bought a baby thing. Well, a pair of baby things, to be precise. These:

bootees.jpg

Yes, I know lots of you guys have cupboards groaning full of cute baby-grows and sample cloth nappies for your future babies, pushchairs and cots that were on a special offer too hard to resist, things people have passed on to you from their kids… But we’ve just never been able to go there. I don’t know why. Jay may feel differently, but for me, it’s never been about feeling like we’ll jinx it, or that I’m worried somewhere deep down that we’ll never have a baby – I know that we will and that buying things for that future kiddo ain’t gonna change a thing. I think it may be because I fear that, oh, that way madness lies. Not that I think you’re all insane, but that I’m worried that if I start shopping for a non-existent baby it will make me insane. I’m scared it’ll be some kind of baby-crack and that before I know it I’ll have one hell of a habit and a room in my house I’m too embarrassed to open the door on in front of anyone but jay, but in which I’ll long to spend hours in.

But something strange overcame us today whilst we were browsing our local fair-trade-interesting knick-knacks store. Our eyes simultaneously fell upon something and for once we didn’t hastily look away and change the subject. We stared in symbiotic longing. I reached out and touched. I picked them up (so cute in the palm of my hand). Then pretty much without discussion, we turned for the till. There was a brief moment of panic when the sales assistant passed comment of the cuteness of said item – please, please don’t ask if we’re expecting, because you might get more than you bargained for – then she wrapped them and we were out into the cold night air with our purchase burning in an eco-friendly brown paper bag.

I managed to make it back to the car before the tears started in earnest. Some weird, churning, swelling and bursting of emotion which is still making me sniffle a little as I write this several hours later. It’s hard to articulate why this has touched me so much. I think, in essence, I am mourning the two naive, hopeful women we once were. I am sad that we have had to travel this road, and sadder still that we have so many good, decent, deserving companions alongside us. None of us should be here. But we are, and I’m eternally grateful that we’re not all fumbling around in the dark on our own, not knowing that there were so many others within a hands-reach.

So, here’s to the light at the end of the tunnel folks; here’s to the journey’s end. For all of us. Soon.

vee xxx

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21 responses to this post.

  1. Lord, you sure know how to make a girl cry….

    Thanks. That was beautiful. And, yes, here’s to all of us.
    xoxox

    Reply

  2. Posted by owlie on January 19, 2008 at 10:14 pm

    they are beautiful, as is your post.
    i am sorry you are still on this road and hope the end is nearer than you think.

    Reply

  3. Awwww.. what a post. I hear you. You do better than we do, we go and buy baby stuff all the time when we find the sales. I KNOW that we will all have our babies sometime, somewhere,somehow, I just can’t stop believing!

    Reply

  4. Adorable. the booties and the post.
    you guys are cute.
    Here’s hoping for those two lines, real soon.
    We’re both 4DPO…

    Reply

  5. you certainly do know how to share the tears and the sniffles 😉

    i was cleaning and purging some stuff the other day in my room, and i came across a little bag. and a sleeper i bought back when i dreamed of little ones with my former gf… the little sleeper was this almost-too-soft velour and had sparkly moon and stars near the collar and on the knee… and something caught in my throat and i stood for a moment, outfit in my one hand, and the other hand over the ache in my heart.

    so much hope in that little bit of fabric.
    i’m grateful we all have one another for this journey… it makes the celebrations sweeter…

    Reply

  6. First of all- HAPPY SPERMING UP!!

    and then. This post. Right to my heart.
    The shoes are beautiful and I can see you holding them in your hands and dreaming of the maybe. I am right with you visualizing.

    sending love
    xo

    Reply

  7. I sincerely hope that soon you’ll have two little feet to fill those.

    Every journey must have an end point, right?

    Reply

  8. Posted by reproducinggenius on January 20, 2008 at 5:29 pm

    These are beautiful. This post is beautiful I know the feelings you desribed here so well, and I found myself welling up as well. We have a small box of baby items that have done just this to us, and now a few friends have joined us in giving us baby items. Each time, I have these deep pangs for that baby that will be, that amazing hope I felt so early on. It tugs us deep in our core, doens’t it?

    I can’t wait to see a photo of these on your little one, but more than anything, I can’t wait until you reach the fruitful end of this journey. I can guarantee the tears will be flowing throughout the IVP.

    Reply

  9. Awesome booties – so cute! Great post too! Awh. This is such an emotional journey. Hope you guys get good news very very soon. It has to be soon. I’m very hopeful for the two of you!

    Tagged you on my blog too.

    Reply

  10. Ha! The other Virginia girls beat me to it. I tagged you for the exact same meme. Now you really have to do ti.

    Reply

  11. They are adorable. I hope you need them very soon!
    Thank you for all the support you send to us through your post and comments.

    Reply

  12. Put them some place special. They are a totem now. Perhaps they will call your baby to you.

    Reply

  13. Beautiful little booties and even more beautiful post. I couldn’t agree more with the importance and understanding that is found in this group of women. Fingers are crossed so hard for you this cycle, I can’t even express it.

    Reply

  14. Those are adorable shoes. I heard every word you wrote, in my heart. I’m praying for the end of this journey and the beginning of a new one for you very soon.

    Reply

  15. Oh, Melody is so wise. Yes. A totem.

    I am wondering if you can express what drew you both to those booties? Not that it’s so important, what’s important is that you were *both* drawn…just wondering.

    We also avoided buying things, both because of superstition and because, in my case, I was afraid of the crack habit (and our place is small!!!). We bought two items: a onesie with a wonderful logo of our hometown, and a Christmas ornament/magnet with a dolphin that has his name on it. (We bought it while she was pg, and we were very superstitious about his name while she was pg.)

    I guess those items are our totems. I can’t say how much I pray that yours will bring you the best news, and soon.

    Reply

  16. Well, as bad as I am, I have never tested at 4dpo. Well, actually I might have, before I was charting and thus didn’t realize I was a late ovulator. I seriously thought my period was constantly “late!” I was so clueless.

    I don’t own any baby items, but I do have countless pregnancy books and 2 pairs of maternity pants just waiting to be used. Well, actually, I have started sleeping in one pair – they are very comfortable – and at least they are getting used!

    Hope good news comes when it is testing time!

    Reply

  17. Good Luck lovelies. I am keeping everything crossed for you, even my legs as i cant try for a while yet.

    I giggled with embarassment reading about those of us who have cupboards bursting with babie htings… i have a plastic storage box full of freebies from the net and badges and a johnsons and johnsons baby case with all the goodies inside, i nabbed it before the pregnant lady could take the last one it was on special what can I say. Yes i am embarassed and ashamed of myself………… Ok now i’m over it LOL

    thanks for stopping by xxx

    Reply

  18. yes, yes, yes– this is me too. i have friends who buy and buy and buy, but something in me makes me turn away whenever we’re out and we see something. But we have had these moments you describe too– the moments of seeing something and just jumping. Here’s to the hope that always lingers and all the happy endings yet to come.

    Reply

  19. That was a great post. And now I am tearing up too. Here’s to the light at the end of the tunnel. Here’s to all of us.

    Reply

  20. good god, woman. this is absolutely beautiful.

    I’m with the wise Mel on this one. May those tiny shoes bring your baby very soon.

    Reply

  21. […] compelled by mysterious and scary forces, I bought a book, which is now safely in the cupboard with the bootees. Granted, we both love that book and have said in the past that we would like to buy one for our […]

    Reply

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