The same, but different.

I keep promising myself that I’m going to sit down with a decent chunk of time and ponder about how the whole uterus switch is feeling for me, but, you know, I have a toddler, and a job, and a pregnant wife who’s feeling TIRED. So a few minutes of hasty outpouring will have to do.

(note to jay – just because I’m blogging about this does not mean any of it is a major issue on my mind. It’s just interesting.)

I loved being pregnant. I kind of loved giving birth. In a totally theoretical sense, I’d love to be pregnant and give birth over and over. I thought I was pretty good at it, and I reckon I could have gotten better with practise. I think I missed my calling as a surrogate. There is a part of me which feels sad knowing I won’t be doing that shit again. But it’s a wistful, smiling sadness, not a screaming, aching void. I’ve found that fact hard to articulate (or jay’s found it hard to hear) as we’ve talked about adding to our family and consequently, she has worried I’ll resent her for getting pregnant, for being pregnant.

We always planned on trying for two kids; each of us getting to grow one.

I feel incredibly lucky to have got to grow a kid inside me. Getting one to take root was hellish hard. I’m very relieved it turned out to just be me with leathery eggs and that jay is fecund and fertile. I know I was a better person going through infertility than I ever would have been supporting her through it (and dealing with my own feelings at the same time). I’m so glad I had my loving, kind, sympathetic wife to support me through it, and to nurture me through my pregnancy and birth. Seriously, she was amazing. Poor jay, I think, will find herself somewhat short-changed in the nurturing, loving wife department. She’s lucky if I find time to slide a cup of tea in her general direction and remind her to eat as I charge past in pursuit of BB. She gets the odd nap or lie-in when work allows. And I’ve never been good at sympathy. I’m practical though, so at least I can take the housework strain while she struggles to keep her eyes open. I must say, I’m rather liking this feeling of protectiveness and responsibility that this pregnancy has stirred in me. I’m not liking the fact that I’m now on cat-shit duties for the next 9 months though.

I’m excited about watching jay grow this baby. I’m really happy she gets to do this too. I think it will bring us close in new and different ways. The eager anticipation of every step to come is bubbling up. I’m growing to really like this new role. It is different, but its familiar too. I think I’m going to like not being pregnant too. I’m definitely going to like not having piles.

vee xxx

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5 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by simonesmom on February 10, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    I love “a wistful smiling sadness.” That’s exactly what it is. I know I’m unlikely to ever carry and birth another child and that makes me sad, but in the next breath I remember how sweet it was to get to do it and what I have in my little girl, and I’m just so grateful I got to do it and that I have this little piece of heaven to remind me of it. How sad can I be when she runs up to me at the end of the day?

    Reply

  2. Posted by rhetorician on February 11, 2011 at 12:09 am

    I think it’s great that you can see it this way; I’m now never going to carry and birth a child although fortunately I don’t seem to much mind. I get the same smiles from DD (and today a ‘mummy’s lovely!’). Wistful sometimes, but really only when I think that DD isn’t going to get a sibling. Which she may. Or she may not. We’ll see.

    Reply

  3. I have been wondering about how you were experiencing Jay’s pregnancy thus far. Thanks for the window into your world.

    Reply

  4. Posted by raztaz on February 13, 2011 at 4:50 am

    Very very well said!! I could have written this very post having carried our first and my wife carried our 2nd. She definitely got short changed but I think it’s a logical consequence of pregnancy with a small child. Looking forward to following your journey with #2…

    Reply

  5. Posted by rhetorician on February 14, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    today was scan day, right? hope all well
    xx

    Reply

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