Sinking in

Thank you soooo much for the overwhelming love and support. It means such a lot, especially as I (jay) am one of the world’s crappiest blog commenters. I know.

My silence for the last few days, in terms of blogging, has simply been because I’ve had no idea what to say. The fact that *I* am pregnant is still totally gobsmacking and I can’t quite believe it – although I’m reminded by the lack of blood; the breathlessness and tiredness – in fact, when the test came back positive, one of the first things I shouted to vee was “HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!” (as if we were sure the condom hadn’t broken – oh yeahhh).

Odd as it may sound, for me, the idea that I might get pregnant quickly seemed flippant and frankly quite arrogant.  I’m not sure I want to unpack that one, so I’ll leave it at that.  In short, though, I really didn’t think it would happen, not for a long while, which is why I was so confused when vee burst into our bedroom after checking the test, looking as if she’d seen, well, a unicorn, in our bathroom. Where was her sad face? Was something wrong? WTF?!

IRL, of course, it’s business as usual and everyone else is merrily getting themselves knocked up. At least 3 of our straight friends who have kids BB’s age are either pregnant again now, or have actually given birth to their second child. Others are chatting casually about how they’d “like a girl next”. And part of me thinks, yet again, – if everyone else is doing it, why can’t we?!

But yes, it still hurts. Ridiculous, perhaps, but it does, partly because of what we went through and partly because I know there are still so many of you out there who should be mothers by now but aren’t yet, and it ISN’T FUCKING FAIR.

I feel almost guilty for getting knocked up so quickly. I know we had no idea that we’d get lucky, but it’s as if someone has hijacked my body. My AMH results said I’m no good for egg sharing, but fuck, do I wish I could share *something* with certain people. I really do.

Get me with the unintentional doom and gloom. It’s still sinking in…

xxxx jay


9 responses to this post.

  1. I hear you. I felt positively stunned when I got pregnant quickly, and felt terribly guilty, and….just stunned. We simply weren’t planning for it to….work!


  2. Posted by wishinghopingpraying on January 21, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    I am totally thrilled for you. It’s so lovely that in your time of joy you have taken a moment to think of those still struggling. Very sweet.((hugs))


  3. i didn’t even tell s.–i left for work and let her find the test in the bathroom, figuring by that time it would turn negative! so i know what you mean about feeling disbelief tinged with guilt and excitement. just pat yourself on the back and enjoy it!


  4. I think it’s a rare and welcome justice that a family that struggled so hard the first time around should have an easy go of it the second time. So kind of you to be so mindful of others’ feelings though, not that I expected anything else from you. Congrats again… and again, and again!


  5. Y’all are the best. Which I think I knew already…


  6. Even though I’ve never been pregnant, I think I know a little bit how you feel. When we got my whole blood panel, follicle count, ‘will I be able to get pregnant’ tests done a few months back and they came back so clean – no red flags, no ‘ok, but not greats’ etc. – I just felt like I was the enemy or something. All this time I had been sitting there with good numbers and once we got the results I felt like some kind of a show off.

    Which isn’t to say I would get preg easily…just that I know what it’s like to be positively locked into the infertility/bad news mind frame.

    I’m, as always, thrilled for you and so relieved you finally got a break.


  7. so very thrilled for you… i am sure this is only the first of what will be millions of ‘can you BELIEVE this’ moments. we have them every day and bubbles is going to be 1 year old on tuesday! i am sure you have them about BB every day too.


  8. Posted by rhetorician on January 23, 2011 at 11:12 pm

    I think everyone is just delighted that you had good ‘luck’ this time – you’ve earned it. It will probably feel weird when it sinks in…


  9. Posted by reproducinggenius on January 24, 2011 at 8:08 am

    It really does take a long time to sink in, but you must know that after what you two went through last go-around, the gods owed you an easy time of it with #2. I’m so, so happy for you ladies!


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