The favouritisms

There was me (jay) thinking that I might have problems being the non bio mother, but I didn’t bank on having issues with being the one who looks after BB the most. Sigh.

To cut a long story short, we both work freelance; vee works away from home maybe 3.5 days a week, and works from home/shares care of BB the rest of the time. I work from home every day; mostly when BB sleeps, or when vee is here, or when he’s at nursery (he goes for 2 afternoons a week). Got that? In other words, BB sees a fair bit more of me than he does of vee.

For the most part, BB and I get along just fine. When vee leaves the house, he’s usually cool with that. Etcetera. However, recently, there have been rages, screaming and writhing when vee is around, and he is ADAMANT that he wants her and not me, and that I am EVIL MUMMY FROM HELL and therefore must be “Gahhhhhh!”-ed at angrily.

(And then there is the lovely affectionate little toddler who hugs me and laughs uproariously as if I am the funniest person in the world. Let’s not forget that part.)

Vee thinks maybe he’s being like this because he sees me as a rival for her attention, which is an interesting theory and helps to deal with it. We know this is normal, and that it will wear off. Sometimes it’s hurtful, though, and other times it’s just plain annoying.

Coping strategies, anyone? We’re mostly just muddling along and trying not to give in lest it become worse. It helps that I’m – thus, being shut in a room with The Rages is slightly less traumatising(!)

xx jay


5 responses to this post.

  1. No advice, but I just heard someone telling a similar story about their toddler who’s BB’s age. They think it’s because Rock Star Mommy travels for work and Boring Mommy doesn’t, so the babe doesn’t know when RSM will leave him next and therefore MUST have her when she’s around. Boring Mommy will always be there so he doesn’t have to worry about spending time with her and she should get out of the way of his quality time with RSM.

    What ever the cause, I hope it ends soon because that must be hard to deal with and hard on your heart!


  2. Jo often carries on like this, wailing “I want my mooommmmeeeee” if left with me. (I’m “mama.”) But he comes around, eventually, usually. I don’t have any advice other than to keep slogging. Co has a theory that he does it to get to me, because I’ve let him know it hurts in some subtle way. I guess I believe toddlers can be that evil.


  3. Peeper does just fine when Shrike leaves for work, and although she’ll ask about her when she’s gone (she has to “call roll” several times a day, whether we are there or not “Mommy? Mama? Mommy? Mama?” ad nauseum), she doesn’t cry for her.

    BUT when she’s home, unless she’s wanting to nurse or had hurt herself and needs comforting, she’s all about Shrike and wants to be with her constantly.

    I figure it’s because I’m old news and she’s more novel, since she’s not here as much.

    Also, she’s much more fun.

    I can imagine that if I didn’t have that ace up my bra, so to speak, it might be more difficult, but usually I consider it a nice break!


  4. Posted by wishinghopingpraying on September 10, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    Neither of us are the bio moms but I stay home with the girls and we have similar issues.

    There are often tears when S leaves for work or goes to run an errand solo. When she is home she is the chosen one and PBS takes her mama time very seriously. I am invisible, LOL! If S and I are talking PBS will do everything to interrupt and get Mama’s attention.

    We know it’s common and just accept that S is a novelty at this stage. Once in awhile I let it hurt me for a second but usually I am happy that everyone is loved and needed at some point.


  5. Posted by svillage on September 10, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    A has gone through periods where he definitely prefers one of us over the other and will throw tantrums over it. He did it first to E, and it was really hard for her. I don’t know how, but we just weathered through it. These days, he is most likely to tell me that he wants E, not me. Sometimes it hurts my feelings – and can be frustrating since I’m the only option- but I try to remember that this is also a stage, even though I have no hindsight yet.

    Not really helpful, I know. šŸ™‚


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