Take Two

I’m feeling a little angsty. I think we both are. So many of you on our blogroll have recently added to your families, are expecting a new arrival soon or have starting to try again , and all power to you, but every time I read about it, I come over all sweaty and slightly panicked. I feel left behind all over again. The bad voice in my head is telling me we must hurry up and start trying for another baby.  Now.

I don’t know why I’m getting so twitchy about this. It’s not like it’s a competition! It is no surprise that some of those we started out with are thinking seriously about number two – their first kids are way older than BB. And even if they’re not, so what – why should other people’s decisions about building their own families impact on mine?

But still, it’s kind of freaking me out.

Part of what is underlying it, I’m sure, is the fear that we could find ourselves mired once more in failure and misery, but given that it’ll hopefully be jay carrying our next child there’s no reason to think we’ll be so unlucky twice over.

I must confess though that some of my distress about this links back to my sadness at the fact that BB is more than likely the only child I’ll ever carry, and oh, I did love growing a baby. It was such an amazing experience and one I very much want jay to experience too, but thinking about a second child brings into focus the fact that we’re unlikely to plan a third and even if we did, it’s highly unlikely to be me that carries it, given that my IVF did not result in any frosties and my dwindling ovarian reserve will only have and will only continue to further diminish.

In short, we’d love to be blessed with a second child, but we’re struggling to think clearly about when the right time for us might be. In the mean time, I wish I could just put these uneasy feelings and this residual sadness aside.

vee xxx