Take Two

I’m feeling a little angsty. I think we both are. So many of you on our blogroll have recently added to your families, are expecting a new arrival soon or have starting to try again , and all power to you, but every time I read about it, I come over all sweaty and slightly panicked. I feel left behind all over again. The bad voice in my head is telling me we must hurry up and start trying for another baby. Β Now.

I don’t know why I’m getting so twitchy about this. It’s not like it’s a competition! It is no surprise that some of those we started out with are thinking seriously about number two – their first kids are way older than BB. And even if they’re not, so what – why should other people’s decisions about building their own families impact on mine?

But still, it’s kind of freaking me out.

Part of what is underlying it, I’m sure, is the fear that we could find ourselves mired once more in failure and misery, but given that it’ll hopefully be jay carrying our next child there’s no reason to think we’ll be so unlucky twice over.

I must confess though that some of my distress about this links back to my sadness at the fact that BB is more than likely the only child I’ll ever carry, and oh, I did love growing a baby. It was such an amazing experience and one I very much want jay to experience too, but thinking about a second child brings into focus the fact that we’re unlikely to plan a third and even if we did, it’s highly unlikely to be me that carries it, given that my IVF did not result in any frosties and my dwindling ovarian reserve will only have and will only continue to further diminish.

In short, we’d love to be blessed with a second child, but we’re struggling to think clearly about when the right time for us might be. In the mean time, I wish I could just put these uneasy feelings and this residual sadness aside.

vee xxx

Advertisements

16 responses to this post.

  1. I know how it feels to be out of synch with your ttc class and how it feels to have to tell yourself over and over that it’s not a competition and have yourself willfully refuse to listen. I’m in a different spot, but I understand the angst part.
    Hugs to you both.

    Reply

  2. Sometimes (ok most times) I really just wish I could get knocked up accidentally with out so much THOUGHT. Do you ever feel that way?

    Reply

  3. Posted by twomomsandababy on January 20, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    I feel EXACTLY the same way. Thank you for writing this. Michelle will be attempting to carry our second. I am terrified of failure and success. Because both make me sad for different reasons.

    Reply

  4. @Jessie – YES YES YES! It would be so nice to be able to take the whole big giant DECISION thing out of the mix. And the giant money thing, too, of course.

    Reply

  5. I’m sorry there is sadness mixed in with your planning. xo

    Reply

  6. Oh my gosh, I am so there with you. I find my thoughts drifting to #2 so often these days, which is all kinds of CRAZY because (as you well know) my son is only 10 months old and is all-consuming and will be for the next who-knows-how-long. But, I feel left out a bit too, as weird as that sounds.

    I contemplated writing a post like this in my own blog but decided against it because I haven’t found a way to talk with M about any of this just yet and I didn’t feel my blog was the best place to break it to her. πŸ™‚ I’m fairly sure she won’t check your comments since she follows you in a reader, but if I’m wrong, I hope she’ll fess up to having seen this… πŸ˜‰

    Very interesting issues you’ve brought up around Jay carrying. M isn’t interested AT ALL, but I can imagine how heartsick the jealous side of me would feel if she were – I too long to be pregnant again – but also how relieved and hopeful I would feel that we might have an easier time of things.

    Glad to see a post from you. πŸ™‚

    Reply

  7. Oh, I know what you mean! I felt that way for some time, as I watched people (all of whom had older kids) move on to #2.

    And now that’s us. But let me tell you, we literally couldn’t even *consider it* until J. was quite a bit over a year old. Things ended up moving quickly for us, which was truly the last thing I expected; but I assure you, it took us a good long time to catch our breath and move on to #2.

    Looking forward to watching you three wherever your journey takes you!

    Reply

  8. Our twins are barely 9 months old and for the past two months we have been talking about baby number 3. My wife wants to carry the next time around, and though I had a horrible pregnancy, part of me is also a bit jealous that it won’t be me carrying. I think I just want the opportunity to redeem myself as a good carrier, since I didn’t do so well the first time around. I am pretty sure the twins are the only babies I will ever have carried and I’m not sure I’ve dealt with that yet. My wife really wants to experience pregnancy and I want that for her even though the selfish part of me wants it for me too. Why does this have to be so hard??

    Reply

  9. Posted by scarredbellybutton on January 21, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Hugs!

    Reply

  10. I’m totally with you on not being able to get pregnant again. And even though we can’t afford it, and I’m looking forward to the day Trucker gives up diapers and never looks back so they are out of my life, I still hold on to the idea that I might get a chance to be pregnant again.

    As far as when the right time is? The right time comes when the decision is no longer a struggle.

    Reply

  11. Oh, I’m there – SO THERE. Feeling that exact same “left behind” feeling you so clearly describe. I, too, have to keep reminding myself it’s not a competition, but I start to panic that I’m falling behind. And that desperate need to be pregnant again can be overwhelming. When I think of the possibility that it may never happen, it’s, well, it’s crushing.

    Reply

  12. I think about number two all the time. Can’t afford it or handle it right now, but the craving is there. And it makes no sense because Simone’s beginnings were in so many ways so painful, but I’m dying to do it again and to do it right this time, ie. with a supportive partner, without all the stress and turmoil of trying to get pregnant and then having a “problem” pregnancy. I don’t know if I want the second child or if I want the second pregnancy, and that’s putting a bigger damper on the clock than even the money/time issues.

    Reply

  13. Posted by rhetorician on January 22, 2010 at 11:21 pm

    we hear ya! our set up is a bit different – we have a KD and I am too old to carry now; my partner might be able to squeeze in one more – but our main problem is that our donor isn’t keen (or more strictly, his new partner is not keen) and we don’t have time to wait for them to get used to the idea. We can’t really go down the clinic route because (i) I don’t think it would be fair on either child and (ii) it would place our KD in a very difficult position.

    He did a wonderful thing for us, and we are very happy with how things have worked out so far, but it seems like a big price to pay, and I feel really pissed off that we don’t get to decide whether or not we try (because there are no certainties in this game). But that’s a danger when you rely so hugely on someone else’s generosity for your child.

    Reply

  14. Whenever I start talking about baby #2, S tells me that I only have baby fever because I’m still reading blogs and on FF and so I’m still thinking about it and connected to it.
    I agree and I know that if and when we are going to have another baby it will happen. And I just wrote a post about some of my feelings about my carrying vs. S carrying.
    Sometimes we are so on the same page vee. πŸ™‚

    Reply

  15. Your feelings ring so true and familiar. We decided fairly soon after Addison that we were going to start on #2. Well, we’ve done six insems, all with negative results. It really does take you back to the feelings you had with the first TTC. It took us 2 1/2 yrs and at the moment, I have to say, I dont know if I have the energy or emotion to go that long again. It’s a tough decision, but we look forward to seeing how it turns out for you, or, just watching BB get more beautiful every day πŸ™‚

    Reply

  16. Just popping in again to add a big ol’ “I hear ya” to pretty much everything said above.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: