Othermotherness

Quick update on Smoker-Mum Baby: He is now breathing alone, which is great news, and is being kept in hospital until he hits the 5lb mark. His mum is fine, and would probably be totally thrown (in a good way) if she knew all of you were rooting for her offspring!

Oh, and in a classic case of “Oops, they did it again!” my kid brother and his girlfriend are expecting their second child two months after Bonus Ball is due to pop. As their first child – who is very lovely, it must be said – was conceived just a couple of months into their stormy relationship, I have to say that wasn’t the wisest of my brother’s unwise moves, but I DO hope it will mean they stay at home more and just, uh, behave more like a couple of parents.

And yes, that means BB will be sandwiched between two second babies, one on either side of the family, slightly stealing his/her thunder. Maybe that sounds tantrumish, but I don’t care. We aren’t thrilled, as both of our brothers’ GFs sadly have ‘will do anything to avoid work’ written all over them, but it WILL be good for BB to have playmates a-plenty.

Anyway this post wasn’t meant to be about other people’s babies, it was meant to be about ours.

Thank you for all the sympathetic outrage about my friend’s comment on my behalf. It helped. In fact, I wasn’t quite salved by the fact that I texted her, because no, she didn’t reply, so I wrote an email to her too, to explain that I was actually very offended. However, I realised that this was not a great idea because I was using her as a benchmark for what may or may not happen in the future, and she didn’t knowingly try to offend me, so I saved the email as a draft for a while, then deleted it when I realised just the simple writing of it made me feel better.  I would recommend that tactic!

And yes, I am ready to shout at people in future if need be. Truth be told, though, no shouting has been required thus far.  In fact, most people have behaved as if lesbians get pregnant every day. I wish! My Dad has been the best, referring to BB as “my grandson” (he insists BB is a boy) and informing me he can see the family likeness in our 21 week scan. Bless.

Michelle asked if I am having Couvade (yes, I had to look that word up; and please ignore references to “the dads” – sigh) with vee. Not exactly, but I do have preggo brain sometimes, if that counts. Oh, and in the early days, I found myself on the toilet freaking out, “OMG, THERE’S BLOOD!” and then realising, thank God, that that was fine because vee was pregnant, not me.

But yeah, I’m good so far. A gay male wannabeTTCer remarked the other day that it must be so hard to be me.  Confused, I asked what he meant. “Oh, just that all the attention’s on vee as she’s the pregnant one.” But seriously, I don’t feel that at all, and I’m trying to enter parenthood with my eyes wide open.

xx jay

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10 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Att on November 13, 2008 at 1:50 pm

    Well, if it makes you feel better, Fil freaks out every time there’s blood because SHE forgets she has a vagina. Really, I wonder, how could she forget?

    And it’s DEFINITELY right for you to throw a bit of a tantrum because BB is your miracle baby and theirs is… is… well, hetero couples have it so easy sometimes (not all the time, but for the unfortunates, they get cast in our group mostly), not any less of a blessing, but come ON look at what you went through to get ’em! BB will shine, because I’m sure the important family will realise how important s/he is and s/he’ll have his/her moment (there needs to be a blanket gender neutral term, because that’s a lot of /’s) 🙂

    Reply

  2. Oh, and in the early days, I found myself on the toilet freaking out, “OMG, THERE’S BLOOD!” and then realising, thank God, that that was fine because vee was pregnant, not me.

    I love that! XD

    I’m glad that writing the e-mail made you feel better, even if you didn’t sent it.

    Reply

  3. Wise to write the email and not send it. I do it, but not everytime that I should. 😉

    Great news on the smoker mum!

    Reply

  4. Things are been pretty good so far with me not feeling so much like the ‘other mother.’ The worst thing to have happened so far is when friends find out, a few have only hugged my pregnant wife and not me even though I’m standing right there. Um, hello? We’re both having this baby!

    Reply

  5. So glad to hear about the smoker’s baby. I refuse to call her a mum yet. Callous, I know. I’ll come around. We’re really glad that you dont feel left out in the pregnancy. That was really important to me when we finally got pregnant, that Jen didnt end up on that road. To level that out, I pretty much point everyone and everything in her direction. She opens all gifts etc etc. I love it, because she’s so pumped! Glad too that you wrote the email but didnt send it. That’s one of the greatest tools ever 🙂

    Reply

  6. Posted by rhetorician on November 13, 2008 at 11:45 pm

    sometimes it’s tough, the other mother thing – not so much with friends and family, but I do think that I’m going to have to pick which battles I bother to fight. Case in point: ante-natal class, large room with about 20 straight couples, a couple of teenagers, and few single mums to be, and someone with her mum. And me. Midwife offers me form, looks again, withdraws form, hmmms, and says, ‘oh, you’re the friend’. I am sure you may well disagree, but to me it didn’t seem worth having the argument in front of 50 people that I don’t even know, and whom I am never going to see again outside of that room (then, of course, I spot a colleague of mine across the room – someone I only know by sight – I work in a large place and can’t assume that he would even know that I am gay, let alone that I am about to become a parent). The only people there to whom I might need to make the point are me and my partner and I don’t need to make the point to her. Don’t misunderstand me I am not at all backward about this in other contexts – my work colleagues all know (and are delighted) – I just don’t see any point in making a big deal of it to people who at the end of the day don’t care and have nothing to do with my family. Any medical staff we’ve dealt with we’ve been totally open – and have had no problems. I hope you don’t think that I’m being a wuss, I just don’t want to spend the rest of my life fighting the pointless fronts of this battle.

    Reply

  7. Posted by reproducinggenius on November 14, 2008 at 12:43 am

    I’m glad to hear that smoker mum’s baby is improving.

    But the matter with your brother is so frustrating. I am honestly waiting for the same thing to happen with my sister. Nevermind that, though. I think Bonus Ball will be much cuter and smarter and will command attention far and wide.

    Reply

  8. Co often writes invective emails and doesn’t send them. Helps her blow off steam.

    I am mostly cool with the other mother thing, after 11 months of parenting. As it turns out, freakily, Jo looks like me, and I am always getting comments about it, which makes me beam. My colleagues are always forgetting that I’m not the birth mother (e.g. someone commented how straight his hair is, since mine is so curly).

    There are occasional slights — the other day at our weekly mah-jongg game, the husband of the host asked our friend how her baby was doing and conspiciously didn’t ask me. I suppose because i am just a dad. Well, that’s all HE is going to be. Humph.

    Reply

  9. I love what you said about the blood!

    Reply

  10. LMAO about the blood!!! Classic pregnancy memory for the keepsake books!!!

    Reply

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