out of hibernation

Throughout the time we were trying to get me pregnant, I felt myself starting to fade out of my own life, to shrink and turn in on myself. I know I’m not alone in feeling like this.

Whilst I wouldn’t ever have described myself as overly confident, outgoing or sociable, I was always pretty good at connecting with new people and having fun with friends, even if I had to twist my own arm to make the effort sometimes. TTC turned that gentle arm twisting into torture. After a while, the days when I couldn’t bear to force myself out of the house, or slap on a smile for other people became the norm. I stayed home and anaesthetised myself with throwaway paperbacks and trashy TV. I turned down invitations and stopped issuing any of my own. Elaborate excuses became my regular mental exercise. I was unpregnant and bitter and hurting.

Now I am pregnant, yet still bitter in some ways. Mostly about why the fuck so many good people that I care about are struggling so hard to get pregnant. For some people, I think the bitterness does disappear, but I fear I’ll be carrying round a big old chip of righteous indignation of my shoulder for many years to come. Like a scar, it will fade but will always remain.

Yet something IS changing. I think the old me is starting to get some colour back in her cheeks. And I like it! Last week, jay and I were invited over to a small gathering/fundraiser at a friend’s house. This friend is a new friend, who had also invited her other friends along, few of whom we knew. As the date of the gathering drew nearer, I realised that the unfamiliar emotion I was feeling was eager anticipation – I was actually looking forward to going! When we got there I was witty and sparkling and made fascinating conversation with strangers and near strangers and had a ball. Well, ok, I was shy for a bit, then I got talking to the woman next to me, then cracked a joke which more than one person laughed at, then felt incredibly pleased with myself. But it was all good.

Tonight I’ve invited a few people over for a late birthday celebration (jay is making her legendary lasagne). I’m looking forward to it. Our Civil Partnership celebration is coming up soon after that and I’m really looking forward to that too.

The sun is shining on me after a long, cold winter in hibernation and if I lift my face to it, it feels damned fine.

vee xxx


6 responses to this post.

  1. That wee one inside ya will melt away a heck of a lot. Glad you are feeling more you!!!


  2. so good to hear for so many of us feeling the funk. i knew there was a way out in the end 😉 hope you have a great celebration, tonight and when you have your official shindig… wish we lived closer, we would totally crash it!


  3. nah you’re invited mulberry – anytime. xx


  4. Thank you, I’m so glad to hear you say there is a light at the end of all of this. I’m very much in the state you described – anesthetizing myself with television and making excuses and turning down invitations.

    You bring hope.


  5. Posted by reproducinggenius on November 9, 2008 at 4:38 am

    You do sound so improved. Congrats on finding your social side again. It’s a lovely thing, and I’m glad it’s possible to escape those TTC doldrums one day.


  6. You sound great, which is fabulous to hear!


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