getting (and keeping) the lid on the box

Vee here. Bad blogger that I am, I’ve been keeping rather quiet these last few days. I’ve been busy with some internal wrestling. Normally I’m a glass half full kind of person. I don’t dwell on things, I try to look to the future, but I went through a week or so back there that really was very negative. Getting those thoughts back under control, squeezing them back into a manageable space and keeping them there has taken some effort.

It started around week 8 when the few symptoms that I had seemed to vanish. Cue restless nights, doom-laden dreams and obsessive g00gling of miscarriage related terms. Shameful really, given that I’m incredibly fortunate to have no history of miscarriage. In part, it felt like some kind of sick, self-indulgent masochism – imagine IF the worst happened…. WTF? And yet at the same time I felt quite detached from these feelings; rather bovine about the whole thing.

This week has been MUCH better. The Telling has certainly helped. Other people’s excitement has proved infectious. Feeling a little queasy has helped too! I’m trying to confine myself to the “bleeding is the most common sign of miscarriage” mantra and succeeding to a large extent, given the lack of blood in my nether regions. Yesterday we bought a foetal doppler (discovered SIL’s doesn’t work until 20 weeks) and we *think* we briefly found the baby’s heartbeat. Monday I see the midwife. In two weeks I’ll get another scan. These things are helping to keep the lid down.

I know I’m in danger of becoming the kind of woman I would want to shout at – “For goodness’ sake, you’re pregnant! Stop bloody whinging!”. But as the wise woman at Reproducing Genius pointed out-

It makes perfect sense that this is how you feel right now. You’ve been down the road of everything going wrong so many times that it is hard to believe something could go well.
So here I am, just trying to keep the lid on, and waiting for the good times to start rolling!
vee xxx

 

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17 responses to this post.

  1. the good times will start rolling very soon ladies! i think you’re doing a great job….you don’t give yourself enough credit 😛 i know looking forward to scans and MW/Doctor’s visits help – they help me get through the in-between times!! xo

    Reply

  2. Posted by soulblisszen on August 13, 2008 at 4:11 pm

    Much love hun, I so understand how you feel, it is scary.

    Reply

  3. i say don’t worry about keeping the lid on… you can let it all hang out with us!

    … and here are some inspirations when you want to let the good times roll!!


    Let the Good Times Roll #1


    Let the Good Times Roll #2

    Reply

  4. there is no way to avoid the anxiety.. just breathe and know that soon you will see the babe again and soon you will feel the babe every single day.

    Reply

  5. Still with the deja vu, reading your posts.

    Everything you’re feeling is perfectly normal.

    (Or, at least, I’d like to think it is, because it’s exactly how I felt!)

    The good news is that I have finally relaxed (more or less) and am (mostly) confident now that all’s well in there.

    Hang in there 🙂

    Reply

  6. You know, I think you guys are holding up marvelously. Keep your spirits up and “window shop” for baby stuff every time you get the urge to consult Dr. Google. For us, that distraction keeps me grounded when I start googling things like “endometriosis symptoms” and “long period infertility” and “clomid success rate.” Oh damn, I’ve overshared again. 🙂

    Reply

  7. i’m still struggling with the “it is real” thoughts, which i think i have because i’ve read up on every bad thing that could possibly happen.

    my wife keeps on showering me with the statistics about the length of time and heartbeats and if those are existing, how you are good to go.

    i’m working on my faith, and i hope it gets better soon. i hardly doubt i’ll really believe it until i start seeing more of a bump.

    keep the faith!

    Reply

  8. Don’t worry about worrying, babe. It’s been a fucking long road.

    Reply

  9. all sounds pretty normal to me…
    here’s to keeping the lid on the “half-empty” and to enjoying the process, even this part of it…

    love you both!
    gypsy ~ xoxox

    Reply

  10. Posted by wishinghopingpraying on August 13, 2008 at 7:44 pm

    I am sure this is all normal. Hang in there, all the fun is just about to begin!

    Reply

  11. we can totally relate. at 14 weeks and my wife’s growing waistline we are finally *starting* to feel like we can enjoy this pregnancy. a BFP definitely doesn’t automatically reverse all of the damage done by the hell that is ttc. i think i still ask my wife about 50 times daily how she feels. in fact, our 2 year old says “mommy, do you feel nauseous? i’m CRAZED!

    Reply

  12. It totally makes sense. Completely. We love you guys!

    Reply

  13. How timely. I was just perusing a shopping site and thinking something like: if I buy the baby this onesie, maybe it won’t die before it gets to wear it. I think this is normal infertile anxiety. We’re getting our doppler on Friday. It cannot come soon enough.

    Reply

  14. so glad you are feeling a bit better. this is all new for the both of you, and it’s a rollercoaster! of course you have some negative moments (weeks). i’m glad you are riding the good feelings of others when you can. You deserve it!

    Reply

  15. Posted by reproducinggenius on August 14, 2008 at 7:38 pm

    Wow! Vee quoted me! And called me wise! I’m beyond honored.

    You definitely sound like you’re progressing through this, and I bet within a month or so you’re going to start feeling more positive on the whole. And for goodness sake, woman, don’t worry about whining! Blogs are the perfect places for whining. They keep us from annoying our partners and other loved ones–not that anyone around here thinks you’re whining. You’re just being human. xoxo

    Reply

  16. Posted by yup, another sara on August 14, 2008 at 7:43 pm

    I think this makes perfect sense. My friend Nicole rented herself a little doppler and she says it is the best money she’s spent in a long time. I think this will only feel more and more real for you– as you get bigger, as you feel the baby move– right now is the hard part.

    I really do love these posts because I think in them you are showing a side of pregnancy that often does not get shown– I really appreciate that.

    Reply

  17. what would life be without a little worry?
    maybe like heaven which could be very boring:)
    xo

    Reply

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