I’m SO over it. For now, anyway.

Today’s reproductive health update: vee keeps rubbing her bloat, saying her ovaries feel “weird” and “heavy”, which has gotta be good, right? We like good. However, it wasn’t so good earlier when I interrupted vee’s meditation at the WRONG (unbeknownst to me) moment – after a bit of a dilemma, it has to be said – when I saw a woodpecker outside and so had to tell her because she’s been looking for that woodpecker in vain for months, and I was worried she’d kill me if I didn’t share. Bloody thing flew off before she got to the window! I’m sorry again, darling. Agh. I’m over it.

Today’s mental health update is kind of longer winded. The short version is, again, I’m over it. Over what, exactly? I’m not quite sure.

I realised this yesterday when I was driving to pick up vee from the station. Someone had just told me that no less than three other people we know IRL are pregnant, one for the sixth time. Yes, the sixth – you’d think she had enough by now, eh? Some people. But you know what? I was fine. Hell, I was even happy for one of them. Proper happy. And I was happy to be me. I felt invincible. Like nothing could touch me. And that felt – and still feels – GOOD.

I honestly don’t know how that happened and certainly didn’t see it coming, but hey, I’m not complaining. After telling vee, we worked out that possibly it’s one of the stages of “The TTC Journey” [barf], and has kind of come about because, well, you can’t stay hysterical forever. Besides, all* the worst case scenarios have happened, and now that they’ve passed, life just seems easier to deal with. (*OK, not ALL of them, but can we take this in small chunks, please?)

In short, I think my brother having his accidental daughter battered the last bit of irrational TTC hysteria out of me.

And yeah, I’ll probably take all of that back next week at some point, but it certainly is a weird, pleasing realisation. Especially when I think back to the year or so before we started TTC, which I spent frozen in speechless desperation, WANTING a child SO much and not knowing what the fuck to do about it. Vee spent most of that year with her head stuck in TTC books, and on FF, and doing other logical stuff, waiting patiently until my freeze thawed and, well, here we are now.

And then there was the part where we shook our fists in anger at the universe – accompanied, as ever, by you all, and exploded in rage at the injustice of fertility. This was coupled by jealousy of anyone else IRL who dared produce offspring. Finally, of course, there were the occasional panics that IT JUST WOULDN’T WORK and WE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO and IT WASN’T FAIR and OMG, WE COULDN’T TAKE ANY MORE.

Life hasn’t exactly been fun, fun, fun for the last three years or so.

So how did I get to the invincible part? Like I said, I have no idea. I feel almost annoyingly smug about my new found peace and happiness. I feel safe in the realisation that one day it IS going to happen. We have a Plan B, we have a Plan C, we even have a Plan D and jeesh, we can go right down to Z if we have to. Most importantly, I have vee, and I wouldn’t swap her for the world.

Hopefully the next stage in this “TTC Journey” [barf] will be pregnancy.

That will be brilliant.

xxjay