I’m SO over it. For now, anyway.

Today’s reproductive health update: vee keeps rubbing her bloat, saying her ovaries feel “weird” and “heavy”, which has gotta be good, right? We like good. However, it wasn’t so good earlier when I interrupted vee’s meditation at the WRONG (unbeknownst to me) moment – after a bit of a dilemma, it has to be said – when I saw a woodpecker outside and so had to tell her because she’s been looking for that woodpecker in vain for months, and I was worried she’d kill me if I didn’t share. Bloody thing flew off before she got to the window! I’m sorry again, darling. Agh. I’m over it.

Today’s mental health update is kind of longer winded. The short version is, again, I’m over it. Over what, exactly? I’m not quite sure.

I realised this yesterday when I was driving to pick up vee from the station. Someone had just told me that no less than three other people we know IRL are pregnant, one for the sixth time. Yes, the sixth – you’d think she had enough by now, eh? Some people. But you know what? I was fine. Hell, I was even happy for one of them. Proper happy. And I was happy to be me. I felt invincible. Like nothing could touch me. And that felt – and still feels – GOOD.

I honestly don’t know how that happened and certainly didn’t see it coming, but hey, I’m not complaining. After telling vee, we worked out that possibly it’s one of the stages of “The TTC Journey” [barf], and has kind of come about because, well, you can’t stay hysterical forever. Besides, all* the worst case scenarios have happened, and now that they’ve passed, life just seems easier to deal with. (*OK, not ALL of them, but can we take this in small chunks, please?)

In short, I think my brother having his accidental daughter battered the last bit of irrational TTC hysteria out of me.

And yeah, I’ll probably take all of that back next week at some point, but it certainly is a weird, pleasing realisation. Especially when I think back to the year or so before we started TTC, which I spent frozen in speechless desperation, WANTING a child SO much and not knowing what the fuck to do about it. Vee spent most of that year with her head stuck in TTC books, and on FF, and doing other logical stuff, waiting patiently until my freeze thawed and, well, here we are now.

And then there was the part where we shook our fists in anger at the universe – accompanied, as ever, by you all, and exploded in rage at the injustice of fertility. This was coupled by jealousy of anyone else IRL who dared produce offspring. Finally, of course, there were the occasional panics that IT JUST WOULDN’T WORK and WE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO and IT WASN’T FAIR and OMG, WE COULDN’T TAKE ANY MORE.

Life hasn’t exactly been fun, fun, fun for the last three years or so.

So how did I get to the invincible part? Like I said, I have no idea. I feel almost annoyingly smug about my new found peace and happiness. I feel safe in the realisation that one day it IS going to happen. We have a Plan B, we have a Plan C, we even have a Plan D and jeesh, we can go right down to Z if we have to. Most importantly, I have vee, and I wouldn’t swap her for the world.

Hopefully the next stage in this “TTC Journey” [barf] will be pregnancy.

That will be brilliant.

xxjay

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15 responses to this post.

  1. Oh I so want that for you two as well.
    Much much love.

    Reply

  2. That’s an intriguing and appealing stage and it sounds good, good. I hope it’s the zen before the pregnancy storm.

    Reply

  3. Brilliant Post! Keep up that Spirit!
    xoxo

    Reply

  4. Made my day love. And you made me cry.

    ox

    Reply

  5. oh my god. i love you guys so much. move to chicago. be my friends. now.

    Reply

  6. What a sweet post. I am always impressed with the grace of both of you, but this one takes the cake, and I was teary at my desk. xo

    Reply

  7. Posted by yup, another sara on June 11, 2008 at 11:42 pm

    I love this post so much because it reminded me that we WILL all get there– that anyone who wants to parent can– and that is something that I need help remembering in those moments when everything just seems so damn hopeless ofr us and so easy for everyone else. Thank you for reminding me. You guys are awesome (and not just because you have cool British sayings).

    Reply

  8. SuuuuperJaaaay! Do you get a cape along with your new invincibility powers? hehe

    Seriously, thanks for that post. We are still relative newbies at this point, but it gives me hope – for you guys, for us, for everyone that although we get plenty of crazed, frustration and anxiety filled moments , we can get past that and back to a good place again.

    Good places are good. 😉

    Reply

  9. I hope you guys are barfing REAL soon in your “journey” due to morning sickness.

    Reply

  10. Posted by Co on June 12, 2008 at 2:42 pm

    Sorry the woodpecker got missed. 😦

    Glad you’re feeling up. I do think these things can be like waves. You’re up, you’re down, etc.

    And sometimes, when I look at my life and find it really depressing (not that there’s not a ton of good in it right now — Lo, Jo, and Maggie especially — but I have had a pretty hard life up until about 5 years ago), I like to think of a line from a Sting song… “Everybody’s got to leave the darkness sometimes.” Not so profound maybe to some… but to me, it kind of is. It’s almost a shrug kind of explanation of how one can be happy sometimes. I like it.

    I am pulling for you guys this cycle. Yay for weird and heavy.

    Reply

  11. Posted by tbean on June 12, 2008 at 3:51 pm

    There is definitely some power to the whole face your worst fears and live to see the other side. I admire your new found super power strength. I hope it gets you through IVF, a pregnancy, and to the mythical land of motherhood!

    Reply

  12. Posted by babyfatty on June 12, 2008 at 5:16 pm

    We aren’t very far along the road to becoming parents, and it’s really reassuring to read about coming to peace with even the longest process.

    Best of luck this cycle – and thanks for the visit!

    Reply

  13. “Most importantly, I have vee, and I wouldn’t swap her for the world.”

    i think THIS sentiment gets you further than any of the requisite stages of TTC… i think sometimes we look so much towards what we want, even when we know and can verbalize exactly how lucky we are, but we still are reaching… and then eventually thats exhausting. and we stop. and then…*light shining down from the heavens*…and we see no matter what else comes into our leaves our lives, WE HOLD THE WORLD IN OUR HANDS & HEART.

    here’s hoping the next stage involves some real-time barfing accompanying a pregnancy. i am ready to be an auntie for your baby!!!

    oh. and it IS going to happen.
    i love you both…
    xo

    Reply

  14. ahhhhhhh you two are amazing. Fertility or lack of it is such a crazy world and to find any peace, be it fleating, lasting or anything in between is fucking fantastic. We are so pulling for you both.

    Reply

  15. So glad you have found a peaceful place. Hope it sticks around. 🙂

    Reply

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