Pissy blue funk.

That’s where we’ve been for the last week – in a pissy blue funk. Well, that’s not entirely true. We had some time off work over Easter and did lots of nice relaxing things too, like walking up hill and down dale, visiting a local castle, drinking beer and eating chocolate. But I must confess too to several bouts of miserable tears and self-pity, most of them mine.

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I’m so put out about moving on to IVF. I mean, what kind of whiny bitch am I? We can scrape together the money, thanks to our reasonably well paying jobs; it gives us better odds than we’ve had thus far; we probably won’t even have to wait very long to get started. I know several of you out there would kill to be in this position. Yet I’m really not feeling the joy.

After much navel gazing, I’ve concluded that it’s not the IVF per se that’s my problem, but that actually I’m just experiencing a bout of anger, plain and simple. I’m angry that we’ve spend 2 years and over £12,000 to get precisely nowhere- time and money that now can’t be used for future plans. I’m furious that my body is obstinately refusing either to do this thing, or to yield up any reason as to why it won’t. I’m incensed that our lives have been laid waste to by this constant cycle of failure. I’m livid that our homophobic heath care system won’t pay for any of this, despite getting our share of taxes to pay for it for others. I’m enraged that people around us appear to procreate with such ease and regularity. I’m fuming that shared risk programmes or egg share schemes aren’t available to us. I’m incandescent that people can possibly think it might be helpful to tell us to relax, or imply that we haven’t tried hard enough and if I just gave up caffeine/lost some weight/worked out the timing better/stood on my head and recited the complete works of Shakespeare backwards like they did then of course it would work, but clearly I’m not committed enough.

I need to find something to do with this rage. Maybe I should blog more.

Also, I’m really scared that IVF won’t work for me either and that I’m going to have to give up this stupid dream before I waste any more of our time, money and sanity on it.

We are off to our consult in about an hour. I hope they’re not going to assess our suitability based on my attitude!

vee xxx


27 responses to this post.

  1. All of that anger is totally valid. I feel it for you too. It’s not fair. It’s notnotnotnot. You haven’t done anything wrong and you shouldn’t have done anything differently. For some reason, this journey is yours and apparently you can handle it. I like to believe that we’re only given the things that we can handle.

    So take that rage, turn it into some amazing hope for IVF, and let’s get this show on the road mothafuckas


  2. You have ever right to feel angry, incadescent etc… This isn’t fair. It’s not fair that you aren’t yet “there” and it’s not fair that you have to navigate a health care system that doesn’t consider you an equal.

    You should definitely blog more. Good luck at the consult, and if they’re judging on attitude: give ’em hell.

    Sending you good thoughts and IVF baby dust.


  3. I’m angry for you too. And I’m sorry this isn’t working and I’m sorry you have no idea why. I hope the consult goes well.


  4. Good to hear from you Vee and good to hear you vent. It’s totally called for and you more than deserve whatever time you need to scream. I’m furious for you and wish I could offer up some psychic advice that isn’t of the relax and recite backwards nature. I can only say that I’m here and thinking of you and Jay. I’d love to see more blogs, even the less than rosey kind. I’m sure that IVF will bring about new posts of hope and happiness. ox


  5. Posted by Ente on March 25, 2008 at 4:18 pm

    I want to scream for you or at least with you!!! Good Luck at the Consult


  6. Posted by gypsygrrl on March 25, 2008 at 4:39 pm

    sitting here, angry with you…we are here to listen to anything you need and want to vent.

    and sending you a lot of love.


  7. First, I hope the consult goes perfectly and can possibly help relieve some of your anger.

    Second. I’ll stand outside and scream with you, maybe we’ll be able to hear each other??


  8. Posted by Erin on March 25, 2008 at 5:28 pm

    Your time in the world to tcc is just plain unfair, angering, and down right wrong. I’m angry for and with you.


  9. Posted by reproducinggenius on March 25, 2008 at 5:52 pm

    Your rage is certainly warranted–for so many reasons–and blogging is definitely a good way to vent it (although I’ve found punching bags to be a nice channel too).

    I hope the consult goes incredibly well, but in the meantime, remember that all of us in the IVP are raging right along with you girls.



  10. I sometimes forget the rage & sorrow that I felt when I was told that my RE would no longer perform an IUI for me. I was furious that my body could not get knocked up easily and I HATED all the money that was washed away.

    I think, b/c now I am on the other side of the giant gap of treatments from IUI’s to IVF, that I feel that a part of me literally died when I had to accept a sort of defeat.

    It does suck ass to make the leap. You are SO correct in your rage.

    Hope the appt. goes well today and that eventually the resolve finds you. But it will always hurt. This I know.



  11. All your feelings are so valid. There are lots of reasons to feel the whole range of feelings in this process. I can’t help wondering about the connection between all this anger and your fear. Fear can be one of those quiet emotions, especially next to anger, but it can be quiet powerful and disruptive. Take care of yourself and know that we are all here for you with whatever emotion you need to express.


  12. Posted by tbean on March 25, 2008 at 7:24 pm

    Rage on sister, rage on. You have been handed the shit end of the stick far too much for any one person to handle.


  13. Yep. Scream. yell. Do whatever you have to. i have done the same. It just sucks. No other word to describe it. Sucks!


  14. Posted by n on March 25, 2008 at 8:39 pm

    this month i am in exactly the same boat as you. i’ve been trying for 2+ years and now am about to get on the IVF train and have been crying up a storm about it. about everything, every single thing you wrote about. i think my biggest issue (and you hinted at it too) is that i’m scared IVF won’t work. then what?

    hang in there with me.


  15. Embrace the rage in all its colors!

    It sucks. No argument from me.

    Don’t listen to the assholes pegging this situation on you or your efforts being sub-par or something.


  16. Rage away. This is an eloquent post. You’re right, damn it; none of this is fair. Lots of love to you.


  17. Rage against the machine! I am mad too alot and I want to stamp my little foot and scream. . . and sometimes that makes it a little better.


  18. I hear you. Own your justifiable anger.

    Hope the consult went well and restored some hope.


  19. i hear ya sister! but what to do??


  20. Posted by scarredbellybutton on March 26, 2008 at 12:40 pm

    Totally normal stuff. Esp the fear about IVF not working. All you can do is blog.


  21. I’m angry all of the time these days, and I’m not even a quarter of the way as far down the road as you are. At least in this blogging corner of the universe, there are peers who get it. But if it helps, know that we are out here, angry and enraged for you and with you.


  22. Posted by yup, another sara on March 26, 2008 at 6:31 pm

    This makes so much sense to me. I am angry too– for you and for me and for all of us who are out here desperately trying to make families in the face of discrimination and unbelievable odds. Blog away, sister– we’ll be here listening and cheering you on.


  23. I wish I had something remotely helpful or insightful to offer you but, as everyone else has already said, it just freaking sucks. I’m currently working on my own balancing act of needing to feel like IVF is a big leap up in the odds (you know, to offset the ridiculous financial and emotional plunge we’re taking) and not wanting to get my hopes up too high in case… *gulp* Well, you know.

    I hope the consult went well.


  24. Hey, how about you just relax?
    Kidding! Kidding! Don’t throw anything at me!
    God, it sucks doesn’t it? I am so, so sorry for all of the shit. All of it. I look back at the past 2 + years of trying and all the money and time down the drain, and, yes, I am full of rage, too. And all those other wonderful synonyms.
    Thinking of y’all –


  25. Raging across the ocean for you both.
    And wishing luck for the consult.


  26. for fuck’s sake you guys. be fucking angry. i would be. and tell anyone who tells you to relax to go fuck themselves. xoxo


  27. Firstly, hoping the consult goes smoothly and IVF brings you your little love. You two deserve it. Oh boy do you deserve it.

    What you are feeling right now is totally understandable. You both have gone through so much together and individually on this journey. It just is so unfair. Everything you have put into this. The stupid system. Your feelings are definitely understandable. I’m feeling angry with you.

    By getting to know you through Blogland… I can only imagine the love you will have for your child. It will happen. I have to believe it will happen. You are DESERVING. And, it may have taken all of this to get you to IVF…..but you’re here. And I have to believe it will work. You both will be AMAZING parents.

    I am disgusted that people would be so brainless to say these things to you, clearly lacking the experience in this area. As if they know what you have gone through…. and they are God’s gift of TTC wisdom to you. Ugh! Tell them to “sod off!”.

    I speak for myself (but I know so many others here)… we love you and support you and want to listen – no matter what. I hope like hell that you get the family you have always dreamed of. *hugs to you both*


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