… relaxing really doesn’t get you pregnant. But then, I suspect I don’t need to tell you ladies that anyway.
The blood arrived with a vengeance this morning. Negative number 17 to add to the Hall of Fame. What utter crap this is. This time round, I barely managed to squeeze out a tear or two when I found out. I think my heart has turned to ice. I am breathless that it has come to this. Boneless. Stupefied.
IVF.
We’ll be meeting with one of the clinic’s Drs to discuss this as a possibility on the 25th.
I feel like a selfish, foolish old woman insistent on pursuing a futile dream at the expense of everything wonderful in the life that I have around me. Two years and our entire life savings, for what? But I’ve trapped myself and I’ve come too far to turn back now. There is no “back” anyhow. “Back” is long gone. This experience will be with me for life, no matter how it ends. Though that is not an entirely bad thing. Even from here, I can see that.
vee
vee and jay... and bonus ball 
Posted by ciaochow on March 16, 2008 at 9:34 pm
damn it. sorry to hear the news.
Posted by jessie on March 16, 2008 at 10:18 pm
fuck. fuck. i am just so damn sorry for all of this sadness that you’ve gone through. i really hope it only gets better from here.
Posted by sarah at notesfrom2moms on March 16, 2008 at 10:20 pm
shit. I don’t know how to say I am sorry in a meaningful way. Just know that I am thinking about you two.
Posted by francesca on March 16, 2008 at 10:48 pm
sending my own vengeance back to the blood. owning your own path like you do so beautifully here doesn’t negate the utter despair. the end of this stage does not predict the next — now a whole new game begins. i’m just so sorry it hasn’t worked yet, sending TLC to V’n’J through the IVP.
Posted by K on March 16, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Awww, crap. I’m so sorry. So much of what you said resonated with my own experience. I, too, had no emotion with my last BFN (scary and weird) and felt really overwhelmed at how much we’ve already poured into ttc and how much more we’re preparing to give with no guarantee of success. My heart goes out to you both.
I hope your consult goes well and you feel heartened by the options available to you and the success rates that come with them. I can’t wait to hear how it goes.
Posted by ninefirefly on March 16, 2008 at 11:00 pm
I’m sorry. I posted a pic for you in my blog. I hope that your consult goes well.
Posted by e. on March 16, 2008 at 11:35 pm
i’m really sorry.
Posted by Clark on March 16, 2008 at 11:59 pm
I’m sorry to hear that. Forward and Onward from here – you don’t even want to go back. Bring on the IVF and success.
Posted by Melissa on March 17, 2008 at 12:09 am
I’m really sorry. However I’m glad IVF is next for you and hope it gives you the results you so deserve.
Posted by tbean on March 17, 2008 at 12:09 am
Crushing. Really…there are no words.
Posted by Chips on March 17, 2008 at 12:32 am
pure crap. love to you both. xoxo
Posted by Melody on March 17, 2008 at 12:57 am
I love you guys.
It is going to be OK. It really is.
Posted by AJ on March 17, 2008 at 1:16 am
I wish I could change the outcome of this cycle for you. I totally would if I could.
I’m sorry.
Posted by AJ on March 17, 2008 at 1:17 am
I wish I could change the outcome of this cycle for you. I totally would if I could.
I’m sorry.
Posted by nycphoenix on March 17, 2008 at 1:19 am
*hugs* *hugs* and all the obscenities needed
Posted by Jude on March 17, 2008 at 2:14 am
Sending you a lot of love.
Posted by k77 on March 17, 2008 at 2:30 am
Ah shit, I’m sorry. I’m glad you’re moving onto IVF sooner than I did, I feel stupid and annoyed with myself for waiting as long as I did. It sucks that you have to though.
As soon as this heatwave ends the TimTams will leave my fridge and be on their way to you.
Hugs.
Posted by Sarah on March 17, 2008 at 2:57 am
I’m sorry. Sending you both positive energy for this time and the IVF.
Posted by Whozat on March 17, 2008 at 4:19 am
That completely sucks. I am so sorry.
As to the cost of IVF – are there any clinics within a reasonable distance of you that offer a shared risk program, like what we’re doing?
Posted by reproducinggenius on March 17, 2008 at 4:21 am
Many hugs to you both. I hope you’re able to go forward with IVF quickly. In the meantime, have a beer with me.
So, so sorry girls.
xoxo
Posted by Sara-Village on March 17, 2008 at 6:55 am
Suck. I’m so sorry, ladies. It’s not right; not right at all.
Posted by J on March 17, 2008 at 9:45 am
Are you kidding me?! Oh how I wish you were. So sorry. And your heart is not ice..its a warm welcoming place. Hugs to you both.
Posted by tui on March 17, 2008 at 10:18 am
That does suck, sorry to hear that. Here’s hoping the IVF leads to better and beautiful things in the near future.
Kia kaha e hoa (stay strong my friend)
Posted by Lizzie on March 17, 2008 at 12:35 pm
fuck. i’m really sorry. this is not ok.
Posted by Liz on March 17, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Oh, Vee… I am SO sorry. It sucks and your are not ice, now is the time your need to protect yourself. Stay strong and cry when you need to. My thoughts are with you.
Posted by Ente on March 17, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Ugh! My heart breaks for you.
Posted by j. k-c. on March 17, 2008 at 2:41 pm
I was so hoping that you would be the one with the BFP from those of us that spermed up the same day!
So, so sorry…I don’t have any other words. I’m feeling your sad for you.
Posted by mrsbluemont on March 17, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Fuck. I’m so sorry. I hope the consult goes well. You’re in my thoughts loves.
Posted by Calliope on March 17, 2008 at 4:24 pm
fuuuuuuuuuck
so so sorry.
IVF is a scary rung of the ladder to reach, but I have high hopes that it will be just the ticket.
sending love.
xo
Posted by Lo on March 17, 2008 at 5:39 pm
As Cali said:
1) Fuck. Donkey balls.
2) IVF sounds scary and yet, I hope hope hope it could be what works for you.
So much love from across the pond.
Posted by L on March 17, 2008 at 6:47 pm
I am so sorry – I hope the consult for IVF goes well and that you are soon on that process. Thinking of you guys tons. xo.
Posted by oneofhismoms on March 17, 2008 at 10:03 pm
I hear you sister. “Back” is a four letter word.
On to the 47% chance! This must work.
Intercontinental kisses coming your way….
Posted by starrhillgirl on March 17, 2008 at 11:02 pm
Well, fuck.
Send love across the ocean to y’all.
On to IVF, as you say. Forward! There is no back.
Posted by Co on March 18, 2008 at 12:33 am
Fuckity fuck fuck!!!
I am petitioning the universe on your behalf.
IVF is what works for lots of women for whom nothing else has worked. So, scary as it is, I am hopeful that it’s your ticket.
Posted by The injector on March 18, 2008 at 1:57 am
damn–and suck. be well.xo
Posted by More Beans Please on March 18, 2008 at 2:36 am
So sorry to hear that the cycle was not positive. Am hoping like mad that IVF is your ticket. Looks like we will be doing our first IVF cycle in June. It’s a scary place to stand but it a little more control and better results, so here’s hoping for you both 🙂
Posted by Pigeon on March 18, 2008 at 9:09 pm
Oh man, I’m so sorry. That really sucks.
Posted by Hopeful on March 19, 2008 at 7:59 am
I’m sorry that its failed again, although I haven’t been through 17 dIUI’s I have been TTC for the past 18 years with all failures, we are heading back to the clinic for diui’s as well as IVF
Posted by holly on March 19, 2008 at 1:37 pm
Fuck. Fuckity fuck.
I’m sorry girls.
We are sending hugs over the ocean.
Posted by Tiff on March 20, 2008 at 12:22 am
Shit. Oh girls, I’m so sorry. I am sending you love. Moving now to IVF, I know that this will bring you your baby. *many hugs and virtual support your way*
Posted by yup, another sara on March 20, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Your desire to have a baby is not foolish. As you write, there is no back. As I like to say to myself, “Everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.” This is SO not over. IVF away!
Posted by dismantledarmadillo on March 21, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Lots of good vibes head your way girls. I know sorry doesn’t help but I AM so so sorry it still hasn’t worked. Don’t give up!
Posted by G on March 24, 2008 at 4:42 am
So sorry to hear the news. I’ll be sending good thoughts your way that IVF will give you the results you hope for. Take care of you and yours.