FEELINGS of the other mother (to be)

I haven’t posted much here recently but it doesn’t mean that I haven’t been partaking in TTC blogdom, as I have been keeping abreast with everyone as usual.

Like vee, I am particularly hopeful about this TWW. Unsure why. It just feels right. I have a FEELING. But then I’ve had my FEELINGS before and they haven’t amounted to much. For example, I’ve thought vee was pregnant before (entirely possible) but she wasn’t, and I also had a FEELING that my sister was pregnant the other week (rather less possible, and mainly because my brother’s GF is, which is a crap reason, I know), and she wasn’t either. Quelle surprise!

But this time feels different (and yes I know I have said this before)… I also feel that if vee isn’t pregnant this time, she will be soon. I’m trying to get our new house as tidy and sorted as possible as quickly as I can (ha!), secretly because a secret voice inside me has been saying, “jay, you are so going to panic if vee is up the duff now and you have done zero to the ‘spare’ – i.e. our future child’s – room.”

Another thing that I’ve been thinking a lot about is how I, as the ‘other’ mother, am going to feel when our baby is born. For example, I both advocate breast feeding and have selfish issues about it simply because I won’t be the one feeding our baby that way. I wonder if our baby will know that I wasn’t the one who gave birth to him/her, and if they do, if it will even be relevant. I worry that people will accidentally say hurtful things to us, because that’s what people do, even when they mean well.

But mostly I think how fantastic it’s all going to be, and I am quite sure that when our child arrives, none of the above will matter nearly as much as I worry that it might now. Yup, I have a FEELING about that too.

– jay xx


13 responses to this post.

  1. I hear you. I wonder about a lot of those things, too. And I am nesting like a madwoman.


  2. Holla from another non-bio!


  3. OMG. My breastfeeding jealousy was aweful and powerful and I had a hard time hiding it. But I got to make it all up when he started eating solids and A totally passed the entire feeding ball to me. People say insensitive things, too, but I try to take them lightly because usually the people don’t know that they are being hurtful. It is ALL worth it. I like to say, she carried him the first nine months and now we take turns.


  4. Re breastfeeding, there are lots of things you can do, you can certainly offer your breast for comfort sucking (I did this), and you could look into SNS (supplementary nursing system), or induce lactation yourself (I WISH I had done this, but of course was ttc). Another thing we did was to take an end each – have DP feed and I’d be on nappy duty. You will be fine, though it’s normal to be questioning these things.

    DS, at 3.5, knows he grew in mama’s tummy (have told him that) but it doesn’t mean much to him at this point. It makes no difference to him.

    Just the other day a neighbour asked whose he was. I just answered “both of ours” and that was the end of that.

    Whenever we fill out paperwork we put my name first and if/when I get to have #2, we will put DP’s name first. Most people make the assumption that I am the bio-mother, even people who know us forget that (I was asked “are you still breastfeeding” by someone I’d known for ages).

    You just have to be prepared to be a little forceful sometimes. It’s SO normal to have some strange feelings about your role though.


  5. Posted by Att on October 12, 2007 at 6:34 am

    The non-bio mom thing is hard. But take it from the perspective of being the “father” type role. Sure that isn’t YOUR sperm, but it is YOUR baby too. I’m sure that after the baby is born, duties will be more than shared. Perhaps discuss it with Vee and if you feel like you’re missing out on important bonding while the baby nurses, make a special Jay and Baby time. Like, once the baby can have baths, sit in a bath together and let the baby lay on your chest. Or, Vee can pump bottles for midnight feedings and YOU can take up those wee-hour-feasts.


  6. As an other mother, I do understand your questions about being the “other mom”. In some regards, I do feel like it’s a subconscious thing that my MIL does consider our son more Lois’ than mine, but I think she’s working on it. We haven’t encountered any other vibes from people discounting me from the same mother status as Lois.
    But I was TERRIFIED that I wouldn’t be so attached to him when he was born because he wasn’t biologically mine. On the contrary, when he was born, Lois was totally exhausted and could barely focus much attention on him. I just held him and stared at him for an eternity. He is “ours” – and I totally felt that.
    Lois breastfed for a while, but he still took the bottle pretty much from the beginning, so I did as much of the bottle feeding as I could.


  7. Posted by byrdlady on October 12, 2007 at 7:12 pm

    i sooooo hope this is it for you guys. And as for the rest of it, you’ll figure it out as you go along. People will always be ignorant, but all we can do is stand proud of our “different” families and teach our babies that same pride as they grow up.
    i have a feeling they are all going to be much more brave than us…


  8. I am so effing hopeful for you guys.


  9. Hoping for a positive for you two!!!


  10. Your timing sounds perfect. It is exactly what we did. Caught the surge at 1pm and insemed the next day around noon. I don’t know why doctor say to only test once a day….positive vibes…


  11. BTW, once he was six weeks old, A pumped a little so I could give him a bottle of pumped breast milk before he went to bed. I loved it. I know staunch breastfeeding advocates might tell you not to use any bottles at all, but it was great for us because that one bottle a day gave us a relatively seemless transition when A went back to work and he had to take breast milk from the bottle.


  12. Thank you all for your comments, much appreciated! You are probably right, because you are always right (you BETTER be right that vee is pregnant!)…

    Oneofhismoms… any specific reason you started this at six weeks? Sorry, clueless here.


  13. My partner is determined to pump as much as possible so I can also feed when baby is wee. I’m glad she feels that way (although I think it is mostly from a desire not to have her boobs hijacked 90% of the time), b/c I’ve heard that feeding when they’re tiny is awesome.

    Ignore the hardcore breastfeeders naysaying the bottle. I agree w/ oneofhismoms on that one.

    BTW, never underestimate the power of good feelings! I also have them for you two! Can’t wait to hear your good news.


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