Comments on: And now for some rambling non bio crazy…

By: Still alive. Again. «

Still alive. Again. « — Tue, 26 May 2009 16:58:49 +0000

[...] my favourite thing, but hey, whatever. I’ve only had one breastfeeding-themed meltdown since I last posted about that, which is something of an achievement (the fact that it was at 5am is irrelevant) and I’m [...]

By: scarredbellybutton

scarredbellybutton — Tue, 05 May 2009 11:28:51 +0000

I use the terms bio/non-bio. What can I say, I do a lot of washing and I’m comfortable with it lol.

I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your birth mother. There’s a book by Hope Edelman called Motherless Mothers that you might find interesting. I’m glad your non-bio mum was there for you.

As you know I started off non-bio and am now also bio. The biggest issue I had with TBB and BFing was that I really wanted our son to be breastfed, and DP really didn’t want to do it (I put it down to CSA issues). I’m glad she BF for 2wks but disappointed she didn’t continue. I fed TBB pretty much all the time after that, and did the bulk of the parenting. Mostly I just felt sad that he wasn’t getting breastmilk (she also hated pumping). And pissed off that I wasn’t pg yet because The Plan was 2 close together and I’d BF both.

TTG is BF. This has never been any issue for DP. But she’s not as “into” parenting as I am anyway so I guess it’s good that we’re different like that. She has a lovely bond with him, and I am extremely well-bonded with TBB.

I always hated it when people would say that TBB looked like her, especially when it was her mother. First of all because he is a clone of his donor and doens’t look like her. Second of all is the hurt. It’s so important that he looks like her, so where does it leave me? Or something. It’s kind of hard to describe but wow it hurt and still does when people do it. He has a lot of my mannerisms and people who’ve never met DP just assume that I carried both kids.

I can’t remember if you have plans for you to carry a baby in the future as well?

By: L.babypants

L.babypants — Mon, 04 May 2009 21:09:48 +0000

This makes me a bit teary… i am nine months pregnant afterall, but you as far away from non or other as possible and BB is lucky to have you as his mom. I am sure there are some hard bits… and H and I are about to negociate them ourselves. I think the best thing to remember is there would be no BB if not for you and your relationship.. But you know that already – just add my affirmation of that to the stack. xoxo

By: halfadozen

halfadozen — Mon, 04 May 2009 15:02:26 +0000

We totally struggle with these same issues. Our son looks exactly like me, and people have a constant need to say it, esp my family, which is so incredibly insensitive to Jen. We have asked people not to do so and they roll their eyes and act as if we are so oversensitive. when really its them that are so INSENSITIVE.

I think that it gets a little easier (for us anyway) when the kids get older and the power shifts a bit. When the roles are more malleable and you can share all resposnsibilities evenly. But I think its something we’ll always have to struggle with a bit…

hugs…

By: oneofhismoms

oneofhismoms — Sun, 03 May 2009 02:32:45 +0000

I think the breastfeeding is the hardest, suckiest (oh dear, no pun intended, I swear) part. Really. It seems to last forever. I remember being very jealous. It took a great deal of energy to hide my jealousy. I think I did a rotten job of it, to be honest.

The good news is that in a few months, you’ll be able to feed him baby food. He’ll get it all over your hair.

But it is hard. I know. I remember.

BTW, in the book we’re using the term “co-mom.” Since the whole book is about NGPs, we just decided to stick to that term and our readers will know that we’re talking about the non-gestational parent without the “non” or the “other.” You are neither non, nor other my dear.

By: Amy

Amy — Sun, 03 May 2009 01:47:37 +0000

i have an interesting perspective and some pretty strong feelings on all of this too. i carried our first baby so never experienced the “ngp” or “non bio” perspective yet was very sensitive to it all of course considering my wife’s feelings. our 2nd baby is 11 weeks old and she carried her. i didn’t realize how brutal it would be to be on the “other” side of the experience. people are so incredibly insensitive. most people are well meaning but man does it sting!!

all i can say is that our oldest is 3.5 and came from me but you wouldn’t know it based on how she acts and loves. she truly loves us and needs us equally and it’s absolutely wonderful. we both also work from home so are both home with her and now the baby full time, that certainly helps big time!

By: Lo

Lo — Sat, 02 May 2009 19:29:08 +0000

Oh, Jay, I have been RIGHT where you are. I’m the “non-bio”, the “other mom”, the NGP. But I couldn’t love this little bugger any more, and like you, I have been there all along. I was there when he was conceived. I caught him on the way out. Without me, he wouldn’t exist; C. and I imagined into being together, chose his donor together. I am still in the process of adopting him and I alternately feel lucky to be allowed, and cross to have to go through such rigmarole to make true what is already so true.

But as others have said, it gets easier as they get older. It does. They need the boob less. Now, at 16 months, J. has become very connected to me. I feel, in some ways, that I am finally beginning to reap the rewards of the intense engagement we’ve had from the start. (I’ve been meaning to blog about this, maybe I will.) When I pick him up from school, he grins at me and says “Mama!” When he is playing and I am watching him, every so often he will run up and hug my legs or jump in my lap.

I guess, from where I’m sitting, the best advice I can give is “hang in there.” Sooner than you can imagine, BB will know who you are (he already does; he just can’t show it), and that is what matters most.

By: Calliope

Calliope — Sat, 02 May 2009 14:28:47 +0000

brilliant post. I always wondered if the term “other” mother was a good fit for everyone- it seems sort of dismissive. Or even needing to claim one person as bio and the other person as non bio- just feels like an unnecessary divide. You are both the Moms. And maybe now one is the boob mom and one is the nappie/shushing mom- but once this era is past what then? I doubt BB is going to walk around all, “that lady is my bio mom and that one is my non bio mom”.

Of course as a single gal I probably shouldn’t comment on this- but I hope you don’t mind.

Now…you say you have been taking loads of photos- I wanna see!!!!!
xoxo

By: mulberry

mulberry — Sat, 02 May 2009 13:51:25 +0000

like lizzie, i want to thank you for your post as well… i wonder, with dakota’s embryos inside me as i write this… if we are pregnant and we are fortunate enough to have a little baby grow from these embryos, like whosat – the babies will be ‘from’ me, but ‘of’ dakota, and who knows what kinds of emotions that will produce. mostly i feel enormously grateful for the opportunity to (at least try to) create a child that way, but i know that there will be the kinds of moments you talk of… for her, as i breast feed – for me, as her features come to life…

By: Lizzie

Lizzie — Fri, 01 May 2009 22:19:20 +0000

just wanted to thank you for this post. it’s so tricky, and i’m grateful for you giving voice to it. my only thought (not being a mom yet) is that these differences in relation to BB have got to be the most stark right now, while he literally needs vee for survival. but that as he grows, there will be period of closeness with one or the other of you more, different stages …. as far as these differences in relation to the outside world and how people see you, or react to you, that is where we are pioneers, and it sucks. lots of love & thanks for honesty. (and i also cringe when people say “she looks like you” or “he looks like you” to the bio mom. ack.)