The Fear.

I (jay) should start this by saying all is OK now, but yesterday morning we seriously wished we had a random delegation of four* IVPers in our bedroom with us (*it would have been good to have everyone, but realistically, our bedroom is not that big).

I don’t think I’m usually such a pessimist, but I AM a worrier, and The Worry has certainly been present these last few days, along with The Fear and the horrible panic attack it brought to me on Friday. No biggie, really, especially as I’m an old hand at panic attacks – I had them on a daily basis in another life 12 years ago, but rarely have them these days, thankfully – but still.

In retrospect (what a fine thing), we should probably have seen it as a sign that The Fear wanted to grip hold of me and shake out all reason, but we did not. I should probably have realised that having a panic attack because you feel immense pressure about telling your family you and your partner are expecting a baby and having to smile and show joy and stuff when all you want to do is freak out about the scan that is happening AFTER you’ve told them, is not a good sign.

But we didn’t. And then yesterday morning at 5am vee freaked out because she went for a wee and her boobs weren’t hurty any more. Cue many tears, which is not a good thing at 5am, though thankfully (!) I had the most dramatic hayfever fit which involved much sneezing and made vee laugh, then we went back to sleep.

Then we woke up at a more socially acceptable time and there were more tears as we talked ourselves up and down off various ledges and reluctantly concluded that going to tell my family was NOT A GOOD IDEA.

And no, it doesn’t feel like chickening out at all. We have learned a lot from this incident, mainly;

1. Trying to feign calm when inside you feel screwed up and mildly hysterical is not possible;
2. It is very different telling someone you’re pregnant JUST AFTER a positive HPT (vee’s family) and JUST BEFORE the most important scan of your lives (mine) – like DUH;
3. If you tell your sister that you and your partner are very sorry that you cannot drive for four hours to visit her on her birthday because you are both ill, she is likely to be lovely and sympathetic and you will feel loads and loads better.

So yeah, we stayed home. And it felt so much better. This is amazingly like a TWW but with a much scarier result on the end of it. Hopefully next weekend when we go to see my family we will have a nice scan picture to take with us which shows a baby, and a baby that measures the right size and is so boringly FINE that really you’d have to think hard to find something to worry about.

And no, we don’t have any reason to worry – apart from the fluctuating soreness of vee’s boobs, which is probably nothing, right? – and for that we are so fucking lucky. But when you’ve been where we’ve been you cannot just throw rose petals in the air and skip merrily around your house without a care in the world and belly rub smugly and wonder what colour to paint your nursery. Not without proof anyway.

And proof will make The Fear go away. For a while anyway.

Meanwhile, it is a lovely day again, so I think we will be going for a very, very long walk. Please send us IVP vibes like never before for a boringly FINE scan tomorrow. Please.

We love you.