We’re outta here!

Members of the IVP, we wish to thank you very much for all the top swearing at the fact that we are not pregnant.

We would also like to ask you to keep your fingers crossed that all goes well tomorrow because….WE’RE FINALLY MOVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, with approximately 24 hours notice we have finally had our moving date confirmed for tomorrow. Unbelievably we actually managed to find a removals company to get us from old house to new house, though for a scary moment there it looked like we’d be hiring a van and doing it ourselves! We’re both frantically packing up the last of our belongings and finally allowing ourselves to be excited about the new life that lies ahead of us.

Naturally the last thing to get packed will be the computers and they’ll be first out at the other end, but we’re not sure how long we’ll be without reliable broadband access, so we’re likely to be out of circulation for at least a few days. Looking forward to catching up on the news then.

tata for now

vee and jay

xxx

Haven’t we been here before?

No baby.

Just blood again.

It’s so hard to scrape together the optimism and enthusiasm time after time. Maybe this month was the month of Bad Things Ending and next month will be the month of Good Things Starting?

vee and jay

And the neuroses sink in.

Yes OK I am crazy enough to believe that vee could be pregnant solely on the basis of irony. Well, not solely… just mainly. I am trying not to ask her too many questions; “are you cramping?”, “do you feel different?”, “do you think you’re pregnant?”, “do you want me to shut up?”; but forgive me, it’s kind of weird standing on the sidelines and watching something so important happen and not being able to tell what the result might be.

But then, can anyone?! After mammoth am-I-or-aren’t-I g00gling last night, vee concluded that everyone has a different opinion on everything, such as the value or risk factor of pineapple vs pineapple juice. Please! Can we just be calm here and pretend nothing’s out of the ordinary before we totally collapse from brain overload?!

Vee said I’m allowed to mention that she spotted last night… news that at first made us really sad (and made me blame myself for blogging yesterday – but for christ’s sake, how does that change anything?!) but now I am forcing myself to be neutral and of the firm opinion that it might be anything. And if it is her period, then we knew it was a long shot anyway. Irony doesn’t really make babies, does it? Sad but true.

As usual, I’m totally not making any sense here. Another thing that totally doesn’t make sense is that my little brother, who is almost 10 years younger than me, managed to knock up his NEW GF with what I assume was no effort at all. Don’t get me wrong, I love my brother to bits and so does everyone else (he truly doesn’t have a bad bone in his body) but I sooooo keep thinking about the time I taught him to play squash and he beat me immediately.

Then again, I always was crap at sport.

Still with fingers crossed!! – jay x

contained craziness

I (jay) thought I would blog a few lines while vee makes our breakfast, because – HOORAY! – it’s Saturday and we finally get time to actually do something other than organise, plan, work or arrange. Believe me people, your comments have helped LOTS and we feel really supported in our quest to remain sane and composed through all of this caboodle.

Funnily enough, I don’t exactly feel like a time bomb waiting to go off, although I do have a strange sense of foreboding (work-wise, not TTC-wise; I’ll get to that in a moment), and at the same time I feel quietly confident that this is all going to be alright and we’re going to pull off our shit and live happily ever after. It’s just scary doing it – proper scary – and I am constantly amazed how calm we’re being. Sure, we bicker and screech from time to time, but we are so calm and collected on the surface while the big stresses are brewing beneath… it’s really strange. The closest I’ve ever come to feeling like this was when I organised an event involving around 5,000 people… the difference was then that I was “soothed” by copious amounts of beer and, as I used to call them then, smokios. I don’t do that now because I grew up. Long story.

But the big thing that I am trying to fight is the fact that I have a thought inside me that I cannot even think because it might be true and if I think it, it might not be true any more. Yeah, that made like, no sense at all. What I am trying to say is that – and this is scary to even type – I think vee might be pregnant and I think that if I blog it, it might come true. Illogical, but whatever.

I’m absolutely no biologist and this morning I even had to get vee to confirm what I’m convinced was her implantation dip on FF, but I really do think it might be possible. You never know, right? Mainly because it would be so fucking ironic to get knocked up in the same couple of weeks that the rest of our life is turned upside down and inside out, because everyone and even me knows that stress is soooo not good for conception, not even contained and conditioned stress. And we do irony so well, don’t we, people?

So bring it on; we can cope with more terror in this terrifying mess of organising, planning, working, arranging, craziness, sanity, smiles, screaming and whatfuckingever. BRING IT ON!

- jay x

Protected: Bitchfest and silent screaming

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

What were we thinking?!

Within the space of the next week or so, jay and I will:

• Find out if we are pregnant or not (see how this made the top of the list).
• Pack the rest of our worldly goods and move to another county.
• Close down our old business.
• Launch our new business.
• Attend a wedding in another country (albeit one that is attached to England).

I can’t believe that I’ve just asked jay to read this and tell me whether “that’s it” or not. It’s probably suffice, wouldn’t you say? There’s a high likelihood that at least 4 of these things may occur within the same 48 hour period. It’s a bloody good job that we’re in the TWW at the moment though, actually, because I suspect had we not been, we would have done ourselves some serious liver damage this week. Beer never looked so good. Does anyone have a darkened room we can borrow to lie down in for a while?

vee

P.S. I seriously need to vent some  spleen over one or two of these things actually, and am planning to do so tomorrow, behind the protection of a password, as I’d probably get sued and sent to prison if I didn’t. If you’ve had a password from me before, it’ll be the same one. If you haven’t, please ask – I need you to read because I need the sympathy (and I’m not too proud just to blatantly ask for it!)

Photo Weekend – Kitchen Gadgets

We don’t actually have many gadgets left in our kitchen. Most of them are packed away in cardboard boxes awaiting our house move (for which we STILL do not have a fucking date)! However, I can charm you with the delights of jay’s beautiful red whisk:-

This baby is not just any old whisk. It’s made from silicon. Stick-free, flexible, won’t discolour or lose shape and doesn’t damage non-stick pans.  All this is true, but it’s not why I bought it. I picked it because jay loved the colour. When I got it to the till and discovered it was over twenty quid, I was simply too embarrassed to say, “Bugger off, I’m not paying that much for a kitchen utensil she’ll barely ever use!” So I handed my visa card over and smiled wanly, and the whisk became hers!

My other offering for this week is this pair of extremely useful tongs:-

Very handy for snatching saugages from a hot grill or flipping a burger, but otherwise pretty innocuous, right? Wrong! Jay hates these tongs with a vengeance. She complains every single time I use them and has, on occasion, threatened to refuse to wash them up ever again. They must have done something very bad to her in a previous life!

vee

Swim, you little buggers, swim!

Well folks, the deed is done. That’s the fastest I think we’ve EVER spent that kind of money – we were in and out within 15 minutes!! Of course, it’ll be worth every single penny if it works.

We’re both feeling scarily optimistic about this try. Almost as excitable as the first ever attempt that we made. These days we generally manage to keep a lid on it for one another, but this time we’re both bouncing off the walls. We reckon the timing was pretty sweet – I picked up the surge at 1:30pm yesterday and the insem was 1:30pm today. Even if the surge was there to be detected earlier in the day, I still reckon that looks good. And there’s no doubt (in my mind at least) that ovulation has either just happened (we’re now a couple of hours later on) or is imminent – a lovely little temp dip yesterday morning, but no spike this morning (consistent with my previous charts), EWFM in embarrassing abundance, and cramps and twinges on both sides (yikes!) all day.

Even what the woman at the monitor company had to say heartened us. She reckoned that the monitor, as it bases its predictions on stored data as well as the daily sticks, may have given me a peak readingon CD9 based on the percentage increase in LH it detected, not simply on the total amount. So a percentage increase on CD9 similar to previous percentage increases detected in prior cycles may have triggered the peak, even if the total amount was not enough to trigger ovulation. I don’t even know if that makes sense, but it did at the time and it’s made me feel like this might be an ovulation with a bit of gusto; something I’ve previously worried I’m lacking.

In other good vibe mojo, I received a letter today giving me a date for a laparoscopy. Naturally I’m gonna think that I won’t need that appointment now it’s finally arrived!

This month, I’ve been listening to a hypnotherapy CD called Prepare to Conceive, producd by Natal Hypnotherapy. I bought it thinking that it couldn’t possibly hurt and it would give me an excuse to sneak off for a lie down every now and then, usually when the washing up needed doing Actually, I really rate it. It makes a number of suggestions during the session which I really think have not only helped me to remain calm during what has been a very unsettling two weeks, but also to make good food choices and drink plenty of water. The added bonus? I’ve had an immense amount of fun visualising sparkling golden light whizzing round my girly bits!

vee

Game On!

Today, I am taking pride in knowing my body better than some stupid bloody machine.

Today, I am taking pride in the fact that not even business partner from hell and a never ending house move can upset my menstrual regularity (much).

Today, I am mopping EWCM and smiling more than this:

And tomorrow? Tomorrow, I am going to get myself INSEMINATED!!

I’m also going to phone the monitor manufacturers up and get a little cross with them.

I’m taking the fact that this happened practically on Beckett’s birthday as an omen of great significance. Happy birthday Beckett my lad. Welcome to your waiting family.

vee

The good, the bad and the ugly.

The good:-

No temp rise this morning!! So probably no ovulation yet, right? I haven’t temped during the whole cycle, but both yesterday’s and today’s temps are consistent with previous cycle below coverline temps.

The bad:-

Man, how do you ladies hold your bladders for 4 hour stretches without SERIOUSLY complaining?

The ugly:-

We are having MAJOR problems with a business partner. Stress levels shot through the roof this morning. How is my body supposed to do its ovulation thing properly with this shit going down?

vee

Losing faith?

I have loved my little monitor dearly. It gave me back a good night’s sleep. It released me from the torment of mental arithmatic at 4am (I need to wee, but if I get up now will I get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep for a good temperature reading or not? If not, should I take my temp now? ad infinitum) It stopped me obsessing about those pretty FF charts.

But now, it’s testing my faith in its ability to take control for me. I no longer feel sure that it knows what the fuck it’s talking about.

I hereby present my evidence:-

Ok, I confess, I just wanted a peestick display (though a row of BFP HPTs would have been nicer)! This is especially for you, Cali!

Even with the crappy webcam picture quality, I don’t think any of those look remotely positive for LH. Admittedly, the 4 large white and one pink one (from out of the digital OKP shown at the bottom) are not supposed to be “read” by us mere humans, but are for digital machine consumption only, but hell, I’ve seen enough of these now to know that on a surge, that second line is way clearer than that. Stronger infact than the other one, which tends to fade around surge time.

The two weeny green ones are internet cheapies that I took at 11am and 7:30pm on the day my monitor gave me my first peak reading. The digital one, with the big fat O, (as in “O, no lady, no LH here”), I took at 2pm today, the day of my second monitor peak. Negative, negative, negative.

I have no ovulation twinges and no EWCF at all, and the ones I “felt” yesterday were more the product of a fevered imagination if I’m honest. I’m pretty damned sure I’m not ovulating. We decided not to risk going for the insemination today (they would normally have us in on the morning after the first peak). This means I get to pee on more sticks in the hope that I do actually see a clear surge, hopefully around CD14 which is when I’d be expecting it. Our fingers are tightly crossed. Jay rightly pointed out that this “surge” correlates with the weird bleed thing – i.e. it’s about 14 days since that happened. Maybe I’m the Incredible Ovulating Woman and I’ve now actually got two cycles on the go simultaneously albeit slightly out of synch!?

Of course, we’ll be gutted if that doesn’t happen, but moving should at least speed the time up until the next cycle. We’re thinking blood monitoring for that one, even if it means a 2 hour round trip to the clinic every morning.

And my relationship with my monitor? Let’s just say we won’t be dating exclusively anymore. I’ll be reacquainting myself with the joys of my thermometer and may even flirt with a ferning microscope or a cervix gazing mirror!

vee

[Note from jay: we do acknowledge the irony in vee's last post about nothing TTC-related happening, and I am now cursing her, albeit in a nice way!]

Freaky O’s

Bored of waiting to inseminate? Ovulate early!

Yep! After last month’s freaky blood gush, we now have a freaky O, or at least a peak. It’s CD9 people. What the hell is going on? If I concentrate, I can convince myself I can feel ovulation rumblings. But CD9!! I’ve been charting and monitoring my cycles for coming up to 2 years. I have always been tediously regular. This switch to the clinic seems to have sent my cycles haywire. I’ve read of folks ovulating earlier when they are on meds, but I’ve taken nothing more hardcore than pineapple!

So, has this happened to you? Am I going to O twice this cycle? Is the egg going to be mature enough if we insem tomorrow? What can I ask the clinic to do to find out if I am ovulating before pressing the plunger? Is there any hope left, or is this over before it started?

vee

The personal, the private and the political.

I’m feeling a little conflicted about where we’d like this blog to head. Having talked to jay, it seems like she feels similarly. We originally started it up as a place to vent anonymously about our TTC process, and very successful has it proved in meeting this need. However, we’ve found more than just a void to scream into here in the blogosphere. We’ve found friends; people who “get it”; folks who take time to share their wisdom or soothe with kind words; people whose stories we care about. So now we increasingly feel like we’re holding out.

It’s really hit me this last week or so whilst we wait for our next insem, because there’s nothing happening in terms of TTC and so I haven’t allowed myself to post much. Heaven knows though that I have plenty more to blog about, so what’s the problem? It’s not you, it’s them! I think that in our strenuous efforts to compartmentalise our life, we’ve inadvertently boxed ourselves in. When we started trying for a baby, I was incredibly reluctant to share my feelings about it with anybody I knew in real life, apart from jay, and so I bared my soul to the world on here, fairly safe in the knowledge that nobody who knew me in person would be reading. I’m pretty sure that is still the case, though if you know that I’m wrong about this, delurk and let me know! Both of us have made a concerted attempt to make sure that identifiers have been kept to a minimum – no photos, no names etc and I’m reasonably confident that all but the most determined of IRL readers that happened to stumble across this would not actually be able to identify us.

My problem now is how to either:

a) Maintain that level of anonymity whilst simultaneously sharing more of myself with new friends; or

b) Open up, even if that makes me identifiable, whilst not worrying about whether there will be any fallout should someone who knows me find there way here.

I’ve considered protecting some of the more personally explosive posts with passwords, but then that won’t necessarily leave a useful archive for people starting out on this journey. (I should say that I’m laughing as I’m typing that, as it sounds so insufferably arrogant – that somone should seek out my archived posts for wisdom and support!) Maybe I should re-edit with a wiser eye.

Besides what has already been written here, there is also a part of me that is reluctant to expose our continued attempts to get pregnant in such detail to those I know in real life. I don’t want those people to know such intricacies, though I am not sure why. I strongly suspect that this feeling will disappear altogether once (if) we do actually get pregnant.

Maybe I should just lighten up and get on with it. It’s not like we’ll be inviting them over and if they do find their way here, we can just deal with it when it happens. Am I being irrational? Have you had similar qualms and if so, what did you do?

vee

A (mostly) non-TTC post!!

Ok, we’re just cooling our heels here doing the “wait two weeks before you wait two weeks” thing.  We’re very excited about this try (providing I don’t surge on a Saturday, in which case this try won’t be happening). That’s your advanced warning to prepare for BFN fallout of monumental proportions, should it fail.

But, on to other distractions….with luck and a following wind, jay and I should be upping sticks and moving to our new abode in the English countryside within the next 2 or 3 weeks. Neither of us have really moved since we’ve been the kind of grown up people who own furniture and shit like that; previous moves consisted of chucking all one’s belongings into boxes from the supermarket and asking your mate to drive them round to your new digs. But now we have STUFF. A remarkable amount of it too! We’ve been diligently packing bits and bobs for months and have a garage full of boxes already, but what we need from you now is tips. Tips on how to stay sane on the day, how to get through the final packing push without losing things forever, how to handle men with vans, how to find anything ever again at the other end – anything that you think might be useful and particularly anything you wish you’d known/thought of before you moved!

Thanking you in advance for your pearls of wit and wisdom.

vee

Photo Friday: Art Attack

One of our favourite paintings, a gift from the artist himself.

If you can’t beat them, take them to the pub.

After dithering on the doorstep for about a week, and ringing the doorbell and running away several times, Aunt Flo has finally decided to stay for a few days. (Wonder if Sara and Erin booted her out?! Wouldn’t blame them.)

We’re quite sad to see the old bat but not at all surprised, and glad that she has finally made a decision.

Even if it was the same old annoying decision as ever, it means we get to start afresh, hopefully with a more “traditional” cycle!

So anyway, we are taking Aunt Flo to our local purveyor of fine ale to keep her quiet. And she is buying the drinks!

- jay x

don’t be coy

Ok, still no proper blood, in case you were wondering, despite another brief flash of red yesterday.

It’s like that bitch keeps sticking her head round the door, but won’t come in. Bring on CD1 already!

vee