How did we get HERE?

The comments some of you so kindly left on my last post made me realise that I don’t think we’ve ever explained on here about why and how we came to choose the KD route, or why we’ve asked the people we have, so I thought I’d try and set that to rights.

Way back when, before we’d really started talking about having a child in any depth, a very dear (straight, older) friend told us that, many years ago, he’d had some of his swimmers put on ice before having the snip, on the offchance that he’d meet someone he wanted to have a family with. He never did meet that special person, which is kind of sad, but he is much loved by those around him and is now well past the time in his life when fatherhood may have seemed like something to wish for. He offered them to us and his offer came with no strings.

This seemed like the perfect opportunity. Oh, those heady days of knowing nothing about the legalities and complexities of the fertility clinic industry!! By the time we’d figured out that for this to happen all three of us were going to have to be subjected to lengthy (and expensive) counselling, that the swim team would have to be moved half way across the country to a clinic that actually took lesbians onto their books, that we’d need a second mortgage to pay for all this and that the sample motility count was rather feeble and probably not worth it anyway, we were utterly committed to the idea of starting a family.

At this point we took a step back and started to think about the options open to us now. Our “frozen donor” was so supportive of us finding another way to do this and remains excited about our TTC. I did a lot of reading, as is my wont, and Jay did a lot of listening, as I proudly displayed my new found knowledge. And we did A LOT OF TALKING!

We eventually concluded that, if at all possible, we would like to conceive our child without medical intervention and that we wanted to be able to tell the child who it was that had helped us make them, and that that person should be (again, if possible) someone we knew, someone who was in our lives and had helped us specifically, because they wanted US to be mummies. We were also sure that we did not want a third parent. Absolutely no disrespect to others who have made different choices, this is just what we felt would work for us.

With that tall order all wrapped up, we set about making The List. Believe me, it didn’t take long! I mean, we didn’t really know that many blokes who either had their own family already, or who didn’t want/were past wanting to be fathers and who also thought we’d be good parents and cared enough to help us get there. (Oh yeah, and who hadn’t had the snip – that was 2 out for starters!)

Our first KD (straight couple) fit this bill pretty much to a tee, or so we thought. But what we didn’t factor in and are now fast discovering is that, actually, there’s not much in it for them and I guess it’s only natural that would have an impact on their level of commitment. To be honest, I’ve been so wrapped up in what this process means to us that it’s come as a rude awakening to discover that others aren’t equally obsessed by it!

Anyhow, our decision to ask this other (gay) guy was based on the same criteria. We genuinely assumed he didn’t want kids. I mean, we’ve known him for a total of 15 years between us and never once has he mentioned it, not once. Even in passing. Shit!

If he says yes, it will of course only be a yes to the possibility that he feels he might be able to do it. I suspect further, deeper conversations will lead to an impasse and he’ll need to withdraw the offer. We were upfront with him. We did say we want a donor not a dad, but I’m not sure how much he took in – he just looked a bit shell-shocked. Whatever hard things we, as lesbians, have to contend with in this crazy journey to parenthood, it’s nothing really to where gay men are at. Sperm is a hell of a lot easier to come by than a uterus.

Jay and I are not in the happiest of places right now. On top of worrying that we have just seriously fucked up one of our good friends, we’re realising that parts of our dream might need to be compromised and that we need to adjust our expectations accordingly. On the plus side, it’s not the first time we’ve had to reassess and we’ve got through it ok before.

Next stop – the GP’s office, to ask for a clinic referral.
vee