A blog about blogging

I’ve been mulling this post over for a few days now. It feels a bit strange to be saying this stuff to and about people I don’t “know” (in either the conventional or the biblical sense), but….

….I really want to say thank you to all the other women out there in cyber space who are taking the time and the trouble to blog about trying to start or add to, or simply raise their families (queer or otherwise). I read your blogs a lot and you guys are starting to feel like home.

I persuaded jay to start this blog up for us because I felt like I needed somewhere to offload; somewhere to talk about my problems and how I was feeling.

But now that feels more than a little hollow and selfish.

Now, i’m really coming to realise that “this blogging thing” is far more of a communal activity than I had previously considered possible. Funny really that I never figured out that this might be the case beforehand – after all, I did moan constantly that nobody we knew “really got it” – they weren’t dykes or they didn’t want kids or whatever. In fact, having no-one apart from each other to talk to about trying to conceive was one of the main reasons I wanted to blog in the first place.

But of course talking is a two way thing, even here on the internet, and much though I appreciate being able to post my thoughts and feelings here, I’ve discovered that I really like listening to what’s happening in your journey too.

So….thank you. Very much.
vee

I wonder…..

…..does the other two week wait have a name or a little abbreviation?
vee

Ironic

This morning I was panicking – I can’t be pregnant, not on our first try, I simply wasn’t ready, I needed more time.

This evening I’m sighing and trying desperately to convince myself that the increasing spotting is not the precursor of my period.

One good thing about the two week wait – it gives you something to think about for at least half of the time you have to wait before you can try again!

And for those of you good at maths – I know it’s not two weeks yet – but with everything else to fret about, I don’t want to start worrying about having an overly short luteal phase until I have to, ok? *smile*
vee

Unexpected, part 2

Holy Cow!!
I’ve just added my temps for the last few days to my Fertility Friend chart and….it re-evaluated my chart and moved my ovulation day!!!!!

It’s now telling me I ovulated on Fri 9th, which was the day I was expecting, not Wednesday 7th, which it had originally put it’s big red cross on, negating our Thursday insem as useless!

So now we are looking at having done a Thursday insem with a Friday ovulation – that’s good, right? That means we might be in with a chance! I even had a bit of spotting yesterday (8DPO) – implantation spotting?? Oh, now my worm of hope has metamorphosised into a beautiful butterfly and it’s soaring, despite me knowing it will be a hell of a fall when/if my period arrives next week.

I feel like I want to cry, but that’s probably just PMT. Think I’ll go and find a quiet corner to calm down in.
vee

Lost: Blog. Reward offered.

I can’t find that nice blogger Charlotte and her Dos Mamas blog. Has it gone into hiding? Please can someone tell me where it’s gone?
vee

Dress rehearsal #1

I know they say life isn’t a dress rehearsal, but well, I can’t help thinking that last Thursday was one. You can’t get everything right, and certainly don’t expect to the first time, hmm? Still, we don’t know for sure if it was a success or not, so I should reserve judgement and keep my fingers crossed until then!

Whatever happens, it was such an important learning experience for me, and I think the others too, judging by what Vee outlines below. I was chuffed to discover that I wasn’t as freaked out by The Sperm as I worried I would be… in fact I wasn’t freaked out at all. It seemed soooo un-freakoutworthy, in fact – just a small, defenceless-looking amount of liquid.

(I was sooooooo glad that I DIDN’T SPILL IT! IMAGINE!)

After the ‘event’, on the drive home, I marvelled how such a small, innocent looking amount of liquid can be (half!) responsible for something so huge and amazing and important – a person! A whole new person! Wow!

And alllll day, the day after, I couldn’t stop thinking about it all in it’s amazingdom, and feeling so humble that I had been able to do such an important thing – whether it ‘worked’ or not – definitely the most important thing I’ve ever done in my life.

Wow, indeed.

Keep them crossed!

- jay

I think we blew it

Well, we did it!
But the Thursday/Friday fuss may all have been for naught, as I think we missed our boat. We went for Thursday in the end, and could have done it again on Friday, except by then it all the signs seemed to point to my having ovulated on Wednesday. *sigh*

My chart has been all over the shop this month – the hot weather and bad sleeping patterns didn’t help, but I’d put it mostly down to being overexcited (and scared). So this time, it’s over before it’s begun. But there were plenty of positives:-

1. We had a scream practising beforehand! Lord alone knows what the neighbours thought, but we certainly had a laugh! I drew the line at practising with yogurt though, despite what the books said!

2. The event itself worked out smoothly, despite tricky logistics. Our KD and his wife were disarmingly practical about the whole thing and it was much easier and less awkward than I’d imagined.

3. Neither of us freaked out about the goods (though we did manage to find something to row about beforehand – seems trivial now, but we were half expecting it I think, and were able to move past it. Perhaps it was just a necessary part of the process for us?)

4. I’ve been treated by a princess by the wonderful, beaufiful and supportive Jay. If this is what being pregnant is going to be like, bring it on – I could so get used to this!!

5. Knowing that we’ve more than likely mis-timed this one doesn’t feel so bad. I’m thinking of it as a dry run (well, not so dry, but you know what I mean.) Although I mean to go through this TWW as carefully as if I thought there might be a chance I was pregnant, knowing it’s extremely unlikely has, thus far at least, liberated me from the worm of hope.
vee

Unexpected

This TTC business is full of surprises, isn’t it? It’s really unnerving how I keep getting blindsided by things that I haven’t even factored in to my list of Things That I Might Find Difficult.

Take this morning for example: I have been charting now for 6 months, and boy, did I think I was an expert! I’m blessed with a ruthlessly precise cycle, I really reckoned I KNEW when I was going to ovulate and I was cool about it, but now we’re coming down to the crunch (squelch?) and needing to make arrangements to visit our KD, I’m suddenly dithering MADLY over whether it should be tomorrow or Friday. Our visit will take a fair bit of organising, what with a dog sitter and an overnight stay and time off work, and I’ve got to decide. Now. But what if I get it wrong? But then, it’s never going to happen first time for us anyway, so does it even matter?, But what if it does? Or it would have if I hadn’t got the timing right? What if….?

At least we’ve been lucky enough to have a heads up from the excellent J (and S) at Cheese and Whine about Feeling Weird Afterwards – something else that would have blindsided us both, I feel sure. At least we can be prepared for it if it does happen, so thanks, J.

Anyhow, we’ve made our decision and tomorrow it is. Wish us luck. This is our very first try.
vee

So, here we go…

It’s finally time!! The Tests have come back negative!! None of us thought they’d be positive, but it’s still fantastic news anyway… though nerve wracking!

Sooooo, here we go… on Friday we are starting the inseminations! Hasn’t quite sunk in yet. I keep thinking things like “this time next month we could be pregnant!” which seems completely crazy and impossible, but still true in a way…we could be… though we probably won’t be! Imagine iffff we were?! Nahh.

So it goes like that; all the ifs and the buts. Aside from Vee, one thing that really helps me stay sensible is hearing other people’s stories; keeps things in perspective. Like, it won’t happen the first time – the likelihood of this happening is about the same as the likelihood of, I dunno, something very unlikely indeed!

But you never know, do you, you never, ever know. Nahh… it won’t happen.. …See, there I went again, off on one!

Rightio, Friday. Eek, exciting! Please send many positive thoughts in our direction! All we have to do now is find them, as they’re travelling around as I type.

Who said life was easy?!

- jay